Category Archives: Uncategorized

All mixed up…

It’s finally about time…for counseling.  I’ve reached out to the one that I thought would be a good fit for me.  A good friend who’s been going to a therapist for some time kind of suggested it too.  I’ve never been opposed to the idea.  Just lazy and it’s something that takes up a length of time and money that I am fairly short on…but I guess it is important enough to pinch pennies in other areas and make time for this at least a bit.

This is what I wrote to the lady therapist that I hope accepts my appointment:

“I was married to a SA who lied to me for our 10 year relationship (almost 4 of which we were married) and ever since the divorce, I stopped seeing the therapist that we were seeing together.  I’m not sure if he continued his recovery process, but I am ready to work on myself again.  I am still resentful of all the things he did and have not been able to let it go even though I was the one who filed for divorce thinking that it would make me happier.  I do sleep much better now and don’t have to worry about him lying, cheating and bringing diseases home to me…but things just still don’t seem perfect.  We still interact and have “family” lunch/dinner about once a week or every other week.  It’s for my daughter to see both parents together though every now and then.  If it wasn’t because of my daughter, I probably won’t want to have anything to do with him.”

I am writing and on my couch in my room with the Country Hits station on and it seems like every song is some type of a wedding song…great!  All these sweet and sappy songs that just embodies a perfect guy with all the sweetness to a darling that I never was. Chad Brock’s “Yes!” was freaking annoying.  I’m not sure why my gal asked me to be Matron of Honor…it’s tomorrow and it’ll be over.  I’ve never had mixed feelings about weddings before, but maybe it’s a being divorced thing that just puts a sour taste in my mouth.  Damn guy can’t even show up when he got the invitation that she sent to see his own daughter as a flower girl.  What the heck?

I’ve had so many ups and downs this past year…it’s almost been a year since I filed for divorce.  Valentine’s day is coming up and it’ll be one of the first that I won’t be getting flowers sent to my workplace from a boyfriend or husband.  Not that I miss it, but just different.

Haha now that songs have changed…Reba McEntire’s “The night the lights went out in Georgia”.  People get mad, people do stupid things if they stay together and are not meant for each other…or they just don’t care enough for each other and let madness take over.  I’m glad I left and did the best thing for myself by putting a relationship that was stagnant and not going no where to an end.  It never even started from the beginning.  Honeymoons, I’ll do them myself.  With girlfriends, mom, my daughter.  Good trips in the future that doesn’t need to include no husband that doesn’t even really want to be a husband.

I’ll get to do what I like, what I want and hopefully more…and be happy at the same time.  I left sadness, anger, and self-pity…and on my way to finding myself and hopefully end up in a place that is just right.  Zac Brown Band is on with a hopeful song: “Chicken Fried”

D-ex said his problems all started with pornography.  Such a small but crazy thing that could totally lead towards divorce.  I think it’s all his fault to how things ended up.  I gave it my all, and when it just doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s when I cut my loss.

How is pornography harmful?

Unfortunately, pornography’s powerful appeal leads many into sexual addiction. A life dedicated to pornography, or even just seasoned with occasional viewing of it can become considerably darkened by the many harmful side effects. Here are just a few of the many possible side effects of pornography addiction:

  • Perversions (bestiality, transexuality, fetishes, etc.)
  • Irritability
  • Sexual imbalance
  • Sexual dissatisfaction
  • Lies & deception
  • Uncontrolled thoughts
  • Marital strife / destruction / divorce
  • Corrupted perception of reality
  • Warped interpersonal skills
  • Reclusiveness
  • Increased tendency toward sexual crime
  • Inability to give or receive love
  • Loss of discernment
  • Promiscuity

Tears will not stop shedding…and reading this BELOW is pretty spot on to how I felt/feel as the wife/ ex-wife and I guess that is also why the resentment is so hard to let go of…

https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/online-coaching-for-wives-partners-of-sex-addicts/

Looking for a Safe Place to Talk…

  • about grief and pain and rage and despair and longing?  THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I DID GO THROUGH…MAYBE THE GRIEF AND PAIN STILL COMES UP HERE AND THERE OUT OF THE BLUE
  • about the things you found out and the questions you still have?
  • about your hopes and fears?
  • about feeling love and loss at the same time? THE FEELING OF LOSS…LOST TIME, LOST YOUTH DOES STILL MAKE ME MAD.
  • about what we know and don’t know about sex addiction?
  • about how you could be so completely wrong about the man you loved? THIS IS WHAT I SOMETIMES BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT…THERE’S BEEN SO MANY RED FLAGS…HOW COULD i NOT HAVE SEEN IT?
  • about what you can do to manage the terrible post-trauma symptoms?
  • about thoughts of dying you are afraid to admit and afraid to ignore?
  • about how to protect yourself and your children? THE REASON WHY I GOT A DIVORCE.  I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP NEXT TO A DISEASE BAG AND HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
  • about why his addict-centered treatment program doesn’t feel quite right? YES…THEY SOMETIMES PLACE A BIT OF “BLAME” ON THE WIFE? IT AIN’T OUR PROBLEM.
  • about why you can’t find any “success” stories for sex addiction recovery? BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE OF RELAPSE!!!
  • about the challenge to make your life a priority for healing and respect? DIVORCE, DETERMINED TO MAKE IT SOMEHOW…

When the one person you trusted most in this world has just destroyed everything in which you were invested, heart, soul, mind, and body, and you are waiting for test results to tell you what diseases he has given you, it’s not time for a therapist to call you names, ask you how you participated in his lie, suggest it’s not that bad, accuse you of knowing all the time, or tell you it takes two people to ruin a marriage. EXACTLY…HE WAS THE ONE THAT RUINED IT AND IS A JERK WHEN HE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I’M THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT. OF COURSE I WON’T STAY AND TAKE MENTAL ABUSE. Traumatized partners of sex addicts need someone who makes their needs the top priority. That’s where Diane works—in that rare space where a partner of a sex addict is priority one.

Diane listens and speaks from her heart, spirit, mind, and body. She understands your experience because she shares it. She is not offended or frightened by your post-trauma responses. She draws from a well of compassion that has no bottom. She knows there is more to you than your trauma symptoms—and she believes in your ability to heal yourself.

By sharing coping tools and recovery strategies, Diane will help you regain control of your own life. She will help you identify patterns and cycles of behaviors that put you at risk over and over again, while doing nothing to help the sex addict recover. She will help you begin to reframe a reality built on truth and real information. She will help you name and affirm the core values around which you build your life. Then, you can review your best options in this devastating situation. You can believe in yourself and trust yourself again to make good decisions.

A critical thinker, Diane also offers strategic help to partners going through disclosure events, meetings with his therapy group, custody evaluations, discovery process, mediation, court appearances, etc. She is trained in negotiation strategy and brings an analytical approach to documentation and contracts.

NOT SURE WHO THIS LADY IS…JUST READING HER SITE I GUESS…I WILL BE GOING TO ANOTHER SIMILAR LADY…MADE AN APPT ALREADY…ITS FREAKING EXPENSIVE AND I AM KIND OF ANGRY I NEED TO GO THROUGH THIS AND HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT I WAS PUT THROUGH FOR MY MENTAL PEACE AND LEARNING TO LET GO OF RESENTMENT…*GROWL*.

the need to FOCUS

So recently I was told by 2 friends that I need to FOCUS on SOMETHING.  I guess I cannot narrow it to ONE but I got maybe 3 focuses?

1) Learn to organize and be organized with my home…parents always said “an organized home = an organized life” and right now my life seems a confusing mess!

2) Finish and “graduate” and get this third job under my belt…it’s something I’ve always been interested in doing and always told that it was a stupid thing and discouraged to.  Who cares? If I want to do it and I DON’T THINK  that it is a negative thing…then I’ll be doing it.  Of course I will have to schedule in my other work and priorities, but I can learn to make some time…just like #3.

3) Learn to refine my dance.  It’s not just my hobby, my workout, but something else that I’ve always liked and have a passion for.  It’s getting difficult and I’ve been questioning if I’m wasting time on it, but I don’t think that THAT is the problem.  It’s probably more me…and my issues.  I just need to keep up with the 2 new classes.

I am stretch thin in a sense, but I also feel in the dead of night…that there’s so much time to just lay and stare and think? Oh…do I think? I’m not sure…let’s rephrase “lay and stare and FEEL…depressed? confused? sad? I have no idea!  Hopefully I will feel that purpose that I thought I felt not too long ago.  Somehow I’ve lost myself and figuring on how to get back.

Broken/ Post-Holiday Blues

Sometimes thinking back I get so mad at D.  I was on the way to liking how I was, and thought I was the perfect wife…and he messed it all up.  I had changed, given up bad habits, loved the damn guy…and not only did he take away my 20s, my honeymoon, but almost 10 years of my life.

Now, I’m not exactly sure what I am doing…going through the motion of life.  Figuring out myself. Learning to love the things that I had once loved, and just finding happiness and comfort in things…though it seems to be something fleeting. Ephemeral.  D had started a chain reaction, a domino effect of a sort…and somehow, at certain points in time I feel broken little by little.

I am not sure if I am a hermit or social any more.  At the moment, I just feel like being alone.  Keeping to myself, not calling or talking to anyone and shutting the world from me…yet, I do like company and want a friend around.  I go out, dance and smile.  Talk to people and meet new folks, but in the end when I am home and all alone again, it kind of seems pointless.

Makes me think, even though I despise what D did, was he the one that understood me most? The one that dealt with me and my personality and was there for me when no one else was?  I don’t miss him.  I miss my future in a sense…but not knowing what the future holds irritates me a bit.  Actually a lot of things irritate me, people, things, things that people do…yet I have no idea what I do with it.

I wish I could crawl into a warm little hole and just fall asleep.  I’m kind of tired of the same old things.  I need to find time to paint.  To draw and create. I need to read.  So many things I need to do…but need the motivation and time to do all.

Relational trauma

 

https://www.google.com/amp/www.goodtherapy.org/blog/why-divorce-hurts-0914124/amp/

So, I guess I was wanting more of an apology and things that I probably will not get.  Especially from a person who was not sincere to me for 10 years or so. Sad. I guess that’s it. Not exactly true friendship that we could have after either. We will still be connected even if we didn’t want to.  I guess the positive thing is that lil baby girl won’t have to see parents hating each other if parents cannot love each other.  It just bugs me how he’s having so much fun and happy after the divorce.  I guess he wasn’t invested at all in what once was.  Even though I was the one who broke it off, I guess I was still sad it didn’t work out. The failure of a marriage has with it a sense of depression of some sort? I’m still working on finding my happiness.  I’m tired all the time from work, after work second job, then taking care of my girl when I’m not working…it seems like there’s no rest.  It was nice having a partner back then at times to help with things and feeling like someone was there for me (even though I guess it was not a sincere/ truthful relationship).  I’ll manage and figure things out.

He said he was still going to therapy and groups…but I highly doubt it.  Probably a lie since that would interfere with his party/fun schedule. MTW tennis, Th with baby and poker weekends…hmm. I guess he’s got it good during the marriage where he gets multiple partners to play with while wife is suffering at home…and now after the divorce, he’s getting to live his bachelor lifestyle even more since I’m taking care of baby most the time. I feel like I never will get to have fun or have a person that I need. I need to get over that and just learn to be fine by myself for now and deal with things…responsiblies, finances, fun?  Being an adult is what every kid wanted, but once there…why did I want to grow up so fast?!

Past Novembers

I remember sitting in my first apartment: on the floor in Westcreek. The boy came with the ball in his mouth “Can I have a daddy?”. WTH? I think if I remember correctly, we had the usual problem. Something about distance and something wrong that I couldn’t put my finger to.   The year was 2009. So long ago and every November something significant happens.  A not so great proposal that was hidden and seems like he was too ashamed to proclaim publicly, but could only do in my bare apartment.  It was just weird timing: I was contemplating a breakup during that week. It just felt like we weren’t meant to be. Somehow another year or so passed and there was the re-do of the proposal. Alright, Vegas is an awesome place: so Ok, sure. We had fun. Vacations are always fun.

Fast forward a few years of just wasting more of each other’s time and no real commitment made…another breakup brewing and starting to happen, he then kinda moves in with me to my second apartment.  Visits became leaving very late in the wee hours, then became just staying with me maybe to limit whom I would see etc…on my whiteboard filled apartment that was disguised with paintings over them hung a special little board. It had a date: our relationship expiration. It was a due date for if we were meant to be–we needed to be married before that date hit. So, I guess that made him quicken the pace of our close to 10 years it seemed relationship that was going no where…we married a few weeks before that deadline I wrote down.  Why? I think I desperately wanted a child before I turned 30.

Sometimes I think to myself that if it wasn’t for that date on my board and numerous quizzes and readings I tried to get him to do with me (together and away)–most of which he had no care to do–we may still be dragging out a seemingly dead relationship.

4 years ago, around this time when I had my first sip of Ethiopian honey wine, was when baby L was conceived.  The restaurant is still booming and is much livelier than what I once remembered from our little date.  I liked my date with my girlfriend there. I’m glad to have girls and friends whom are helping me to not focus on the sadness that surrounds divorce.

Am I glad I made the difficult decision? Yes, since if we had stayed together, I think things would have turned to be bitter.  The deep love and happiness that I once had when thinking of D turned to a sad resentment on all the lies and deceptive behavior that he continues to hide all up till after the divorce.  I was not happy with multiple aspects of our relationship and did not want to end up hating him for all that he cheated me on.  Firstly, a wedding/ honeymoon. Everyone came before me: parents, cousins, customers. What is there to a marriage when all that happened, and to top it off, he goes searching for online affairs? Not once, not twice…last June was the end of it for my dying heart.  I was in the process of forgetting what he did right after the honeymoon that I went on with my mom (cause he left me to go back with his mom, customers and to have a second take at a night out with the boys…always blaming it oh “oh this guy, they boys wanted to go here and there, not me”…oh I just wait for them out in the lobby when they get their massages…all lies and the truth changes each time I ask it over again.  If only he was honest with me, maybe I’d stay.  If only he really truly loved me.

It’s sad that last November he came back with news for me. He looked really depressed.  I don’t know if the look of depression was for him getting contracted with something that he felt invincible to, or maybe of putting me at risk to contract something from a husband that I trusted.  It saddens me that trust was broken over and over again. Lies upon lies.  Lies that in June would be the last time he would lie to me and seek other things.  Lies that he cared for me…sadness, anger, and maybe once or twice a month, depression still hits me.

I’m thankful I have my hobbies and things to keep me grounded. He has his hobbies that he seems to spend endless nights on.  Why do I even bother asking him to do family things with Lilly and I any more? I don’t know.  I will probably ask less and less. He’s not as inviting to me anyways and we seem to be doing fine without each other.  I wonder how to answer some of Lilly’s questions though.  That’s kind of the difficult part.

The past Novembers being married I felt less lonely than those before…I wonder what the future will hold.  I’ll take it one day at a time.

Book fair this week

I need to sleep…why do these BFs make me so nervous and restless?  I need to get some rest not…before I gotta wake and possibly carry boxes…

This week started off nicer than last.  I’ve got things plan all week and looking forward to a busy weekend.

Different: tired but ok

I dunno why I’m tired and exhausted all the time. But I guess it’s ok and it’s normal. Almost every hour of my day has something scheduled in it it seems!I’m thankful for work and thankful for my daughter. Maybe life will make more sense and slow down somewhere down the line. The definition of “family” can really change so much, but it’s ok. Dynamics and relationships with people have also changed.

I think I’ll slowly define and figure out where it is I need to go. Time is such a vauluable thing. I hope to not spread myself thin like I usually do. I have a hard time gauging how much I can do, work, etc… I guess it’s a good thing I’m a single mommy whose time is filled with work and baby/hobby…no time for any type of other relationship. Easy going, non-demanding girlfriends is ok. Def not time consuming and there when each of us is available or convenient. I guess this is that guy-free zone I’ve never had and desperately need as a healing/recovery time from all the relationship issues.

Need to get to know myself better and figure out what it is I actually want and need in a relationship so that when the right one comes along I would recognize it. Or when the wrong one comes, make sure I avoid it. Hmm…I think I wouldn’t mind being single forever. Less drama, less issues, and Baby girl won’t have any step dad to deal with/ i wouldn’t need to be concerned about.

I got lucky, my blended family turned out ok. So…where too on the next HM with my mom…next July if I could save up!

Confirmation 5/10/16- 5months ago!

Another day goes by confirming that my decision is the second best decision I’ve made for my life.  Things are not yet settled because I have not had the time to meet with Nat to go and finish the last step or so. We are meeting tomorrow for something.

….darn this was what happened only 5 months ago! And I feel like ages have gone by with the whole process…it’s so crazy. I feel so comfortable at times and then I feel like a meltdown gonna happen at others .  This is what normal is to a divorced woman. I’m glad to bump into some divorcée. Getting allergy shots have become a double therapy it seems. Interesting conversations as well as immune boosting. 30 min-waits have become more entertaining.

Adiós

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wB4v8fKgaOM
Duele no tenerte cerca
Duele no escuchar tu voz
Duele respirar tu ausencia
Pero duele mas decirte adiós
Duele como muerte lenta
La memoria de los dos
La sangre ardía por mis venas
Pero hoy se seca sin tu amor
Miseria vivir rodeado de la melancolía
Ven espera de ti de ti de ti y nadie mas
Si me llamas voy a tu lado soy
Todo por sentir el latir de tu corazón
Si me dices no yo me parto en dos
Prefiero decirte adiós
Duele no tenerte cerca
Duele no escuchar tu voz
Duele respirar tu ausencia
Pero duele mas decirte adiós

I may have found my middle ground

Is this what balance is? When you’ve cried your eyes out and let it all out. Put on music you like…do housework and just focus on all the tasks and work at hand. Get busy and just focus on work and being productive…as well as stay later to help students, answer their class questions, give them life advice…run to tutor and help them an extra hour with more just life advice and talking free of charge.

I guess I may have found the middle ground balance that some might call it. Not happy,  not sad. Just a middle ground.

I think I’ll tap into my old artistic energy when I find some spare time to paint and do some of the old things that I haven’t done in a while to keep the emotions and feelings alive. I don’t mind being in the middle ground…but I am a “blue”: a feeler and when I’m not “feeling” things…something seems missing. Damn I forgot my paint and paintbrushes at my Townhouse! Sleeping at mom’s tonight and was hoping to paint with Lilly.  I guess it works out, my mom won’t have to freak out about the high possibility of spilled paint.  Haha.