Feeling all negative and like crap

Another sleepless night with feelings of loss, anger, sadness, pain, distrust and hatred. This overwhelming feelings keep coming back and I know that it is normal considering what has happened. Sometimes I just wish that a divorce could be the answer to get it over wit and end my pain and he could go on living the life that’s he’s kept hidden and probably still hiding from me. The more I research, talk to others, and think it brings back memories of all the pain I the relationship that I’ve felt ever since almost the beginning of the relationship. It’s as if it’s doomed from the start and I just chose to ignore all the signs because of my dumbness or just infatuation with a person that just does not care about me enough. We are finally on the vacation that I thought he would take me on almost ten years ago. Full if lies, promises and lack of love was what I have endured…and my stupidity will probably cause me to continue to stay until all my hopes and dreams are dead. I picture a canvas that I would paint if only I had enough Time and energy too. It will be black, red and white. With a dark glistening pain. 8:12 am in Taiwan

Pre-Japan trip (June 2015)

It has been almost a year since i have been here. June 2nd, last week of work for me teaching (thabk God it was finals week or i would not have been able to make it with teaching), my husband was caught with online cheating again. He was using another fake email account. The 14th one that i have known of (who knows how many others he have used in thr past). I though that in 2013 once our baby was born all the looking for girls online to date or have some NSA relationship was gone…but how stupid i am. It continues. Now we are attending SA/couple’s meeting and costly marriage therapy for his addiction. He says he will never do that again and did not realize how i was hurt for the past 10 years or so of knowing him!