This felling just never goes away. It’s been here since 2006.

I’ve been doing lots of reading and research on the things that I and my husband are going through. Some of these links are interesting reads:

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/03/why-doesnt-my-husband-want-to-make-love/

http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2012/03/when-your-spouse-isnt-interested-in-sex-communicating-your-needs/

http://sexwithinmarriage.com/i-want-my-husband-to-want-me/

So when husband goes and lies straight to your face so many times…visit massage parlors/whorehouses and uses $ on girls and makes me pay for family things…and goes home not wanting to please the wife…but rather goes online and tells other girls he wants to rock their world and please them…what to do?

Lies about apps used, lies about who people are, lies about how many times he’s frequented massage parlors, lies about when/where he went…he said he’s never been since he met me in 2006 and thinks that I am DUMB. He’s search, researched and read reviews on “Massage parlors, hotel outcall massages, asian massages, thai, indian…you name it…” and when asked about thing he just lies! From little things to big things…I cannot trust my husband. Not only will we be in a sexless marriage, but one without trust.

Society says it’s ok for a guy to visit massage parlors and get “happy endings” and jokes about it…yet there is no such thing for girls to find when they need a “release” like the guys try to find. So unfair and gender-biased! I am not a bad looking female and 8 years younger than my husband. Met him in 06 when he was 30. By 6 months into the relationship, sex went sour after he visited Taiwan…came back and hooked on porn, progressed to jacking off in front of computer/ cell phone during working hours, searching for NSA sex online…and pushing me-his brand new wife when we got married in 2012 away. Each time I initiate to be intimate, I am pushed away with him playing games on phone, him watching videos on phone, or watching sports, or just too tired. So what’s a girl to do? Vent…and be heard…and found people to talk about my problems with. I sometimes wish that he didn’t fool himself with pretending to want to marry me and then just hurt me in the process…take away my youth, life, dreams, and opportunities that I could have met people that would really treasure me.

He did nothing from 2006-2012 to save up for our wedding. Always broke (I guess he was supporting the massage girls)…Didn’t give me a choice on having a honeymoon (really wanted to not be touched by me or do anything intimate with me…so he called his cousins and friends to spoil the one thing a girl really looked forward to with her new husband. DAMN BASTARD!). I told him that he should just go himself if he really wanted to be with his (maybe kissing cousin?) Rebekah. She’s really smart and I’m not…so good for her to date multiple guys at the same time without them knowing so that she could choose the right guy to marry. Why didn’t I think of that? or am I just DUMB? That’s why he continue to lie to my face after swearing to God that he’s telling the truth.

I use to want my husband to want me, now I don’t know any more…I need to learn to love myself more, care about myself more and less for him. Boys tries harder when girls treat them like trash. All of my girlfriends….those who are great to their guys, the guys treats them like trash and lies to them. Those that don’t give a shit about their guy/husband…oh they get the nice sweet loving guys. Life is unfair.

I know what I want. Little things that can make me happy: I’ll try my best to pamper myself. I’m lucky at least my dad loves me and can still take care of me. At least I’m one man’s princess.

I do not want to bring another child into this sad world with the wrong man. It’s so ironic how I was trying so hard for the past 5-6 months to have a child with him. I guess there is a high power or someone up there (somewhere) looking out for me . Thanks! Now I just got my consultation for birth control today and will be on it soon enough! No more babies till I find the right guy. Whatever that means. I am stuck in a hopeless marriage.

I think that our trip to Japan/Taiwan have taught me something: that there will never be honesty in this relationship and I have to make peace with it and adapt. He will learn to be a better liar and I will have to adapt and be flexible and go with the flow. I can learn as well. I think that he/we would basically learn to keep things that the other does not like hidden and not talk about it or mention it…we will live as if we are an amazingly happy couple…then in our minds we will know what our truths are.

Here’s an interesting read I found on Wikipedia. I think it’s suppose to say “unavailable”:

Legally, however, a Roman husband did not commit adultery when he had sex outside marriage as long as his partner was considered sexually UN-available; sexual misconduct (stuprum) was adultery depending on the status of a female partner. A character in a play by Plautus expresses a man’s sexual freedom in comic terms:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexuality_in_ancient_Rome

I think I’m going to shower and then find a legit place for a “Therapeutic” massage =) My husband likes other women’s hands on him for special favors…well I can have my back and neck rubbed too. I will never decline a massage!

Another day another lie.

So July 4, 2015 in Taiwan last week the husband lied in my face after I continuously asked him the same question of why “Jennifer” with no last name is on his phone. After a google search of the number, “Jennifer’s day spa” came up. No yelp reviews of any sort. Weird. It’s a spa that does the “happy ending” massages that RubMaps (which he signed up for not to long ago) has reviews on…he said it’s a potential customer…lies! The next day he fessed up and told me a partial truth that I knew already. That he went once…only once he reassured me for a $100 run me down there massage. And that it was YEARS before he knew me…like 10 years! Huh? Why was it on his fairly new phone? He said Google contacts synced it. Yea right! I bet Gcontacts was not around then.

Days later he told me more of this and said that he’s visited a few times. Went to different places say somewhere round 20-30 times for these sexual massages…but that Jennifer’s was his first place. So that’s why he decided to key in that number to his phone and save it.

Well that was in the past week. Today, I asked him at 3 separate occasions if he’s done anything that he needs to tell me. He said no, nothing bad. I told him i have a gut feeling and know that something is up. He’s still in denial. At night, while walking our dog with our baby I asked more specific questions…did you open up any new fake email accounts (added to your 14 fake ones i know of) OR have been checking any of the old fake accounts…? He said “No”, Hugged me, and continued to lie even better.

It’s so hard. I do want a divorce but things are just never right for a divorce. I do and I don’t want it. I don’t know how to live with a man who consciously lies and tries to deceive me. It hurts inside and I don’t have anyone to really tell.