I do not fit into a single personality type…at least I don’t think.  I’m a blend of things and those things can change when it changes.  I consider myself a workaholic at times and at times I just love sleeping in and doing nothing at all.   None of the types can perfectly define me: I am all, and I am none.  How can one person think that they can fit into one type?  I guess only if you are Ultra- A or whatever…though that kind of reminds me of my step mother…whom I have lots of conflict with and try to stay away so we don’t butt heads. Do I love her? Sure. She is my father’s wife and she does seem to love my child.  Even though she sometimes treat her as a doll…us parents don’t agree with that and some other things.  But hey, everyone is flawed in a sense and I think we all strive to be our best given our individual circumstance.

Can people really be one type and only one?  Hmm…

Here is an interesting links to read:

https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

Take a personality test here: https://www.16personalities.com

My results:
CAMPAIGNER (ENFP-T)…I guess it is kind of accurate.

I am too much of a feeler and don’t seem to use logic as much. Oh well…I guess maybe that’s why I like art and to create thing…and love dancing, especially with the right partner…if one comes along again.   There was never a need to use words, know names or exchange anything other than the dance. And once the music is over, it’s over. Simple dancing.  I do miss those days in a sense. Though not all dancers are equal and I definitely would not dance with some.  Gross ones who wants more than just a simple dance are just icky.  The old Sky Bar…was nice. All the dancers basically drank water. Never did I have alcohol there…it would interfere with my steps! Hmm…how did someone call me out on a drink today I do not know! I am the person who really does not drink….I love wine bottles as decoration and as vases for the occasional flowers…but to treat me as a drunkard…now THAT is insulting.  Maybe my feelings will kick some sense into me and tell me what to do if my head doesn’t. Cause yea, though I can’t put it into words…it doesn’t feel right…I feel like I’m too much of an open  book for some and especially when I know nothing of some…I feel it’s much too unfair.  I don’t know why I opened myself up too much and too fast.  I need to learn to protect my heart.  Learn to not let people step on me and not appreciate me.  Have I not learned my lesson?  I didn’t like having a husband who shunned me like he used to…now why am I putting myself in a situation to be talked down to and told to just go away? Hmm…I am too soft.  I’ll learn to adapt.  I might have to give my interest up.  Especially the interest that really has no interest or care to be nice to me.   I have no hard feelings, though I do need to guard my heart. I’m easily broken.

Maybe I am the immature one who thinks anything can happen and counted too much on something that I really don’t know.  I guess all I was looking for was something happy, since I do in a sense hate some of the things in my life and just cannot accept the the things from the past.  The present situation seems to everyone on the outside that it is such a perfect thing. A perfect family, etc… But in my head, I just don’t feel it. I know that perfection doesn’t exist, but I don’t know why I think there is a perfect person for everyone…maybe not and we just have to learn to accept our situation? Or learn to leave it at the correct time?  I’m very impatient at times, and a procrastinator at other times. So…when is the perfect time to leave something? or the time to stay? I know I have a problem of being emotional…but that only makes me human.  I’m not a calculating machine, nor can I be without emotions.  If I like you, I’ll like you with my whole heart.  If I don’t like you, I won’t want anything to do with you and will probably not want to see you.  But if I like you, even if I say I don’t want to see you… I do still want to see you. Oh boy, I think I make no sense at all. I’m just having an emotional day and sometimes can beat myself up for my stupidity. I’m not sure why I feel stuck when everyone says what I have is all good and nice.  I do love my baby, but I don’t  love the fact that I’m a married person to someone whom I don’t think is a great fit for me.  I think I’m responsible and do what needs to be done as a mom and wife, but it’s the situation that forces me to do this.  I regret not leaving before I became a mom and more stuck than ever of pretending to be a happy family… Is this another time that I should be leaving now, or I will be regretting this again in the future of the wasted time? I’m not sure if I’m paving room to become the happy single mothers that I see every day when I congratulate them for being courageous for making a tough decision…or am I destroying something I shouldn’t? OK, we made vows (actually we never made our own or took the time to plan things, we just went along with whatever)…so we made pretend vows, tried to live up to these pretend vows unsuccessfully and I guess unfaithfully for us both. I became sad, hurt and can’t let things go. Now I’m just confused again and not sure who to bring this issue up with.  I have not talked to my friends about this and really dont think they’d understand. Not sure how much time I have for this little decision making process… Maybe I do need to figure out who I need to talk to soon. It may come as a shock to people when things do happen. I may surprise myself too. Grr I hate hard decisions and rather just ignore it…but that will just make things fester and nothing can get better that way.  This thing, this situation: maybe, it’ll be the push that I need to set things in motion finally for myself.

Let’s just say I had a dream and I really liked this dream.  This dream contained a person I found to be very interesting. Somewhat like me, yet different…and at time too much like me that it’s a bit annoying…but I still do like this stranger. Is it because I am having this forever marital issue that I am conjuring up a dreamy stranger? Maybe. Maybe not.  I don’t like how this stranger is pushing me away. I find myself a good wife. I am a caring person and attend to my husband and threw him a party that I’ve intended before.  It doesn’t matter if I like my husband or not, if I made up my mind beforehand to invite peole over for him it’s set in stone regardless if we disagree, fight, or whatever. Doesn’t even matter if I don’t feel the same as before. I don’t feel the same as before. For my husband, now I feel for him more as a brother that I care about.  Maybe it’s the hurt and rejection that I was put through that desensitized me somehow to wanting a spectacular relationship with him like I once did.  I prefer a spectacular dream with this stranger.  Though it may not happen, it is an idea.  If it is to be reality, I would have no idea what would happen.  Is it possible to miss and want something unknown and unfamiliar? How could I feel this way so intensely? It’s a baffling.  It’s a mystery to me how hearing from this person can brighten up my day and make me feel like a little girl again and how when my stranger gets mad I get all uneasy and sad.  This makes me a bit scared though… That if this was not just a fun imaginary thing in a sense and a real relationship, would these be red flags? That we are a bit too similar and both a bit emotionally volatile? I love the fact that we don’t really have dull moments and things are excitjng…but maybe it’s my imagination? I’m not sure how this stranger feels…

I dunno why but I really like spending time by myself. Or at least not with my husband in a sense. Years past, I love being with him all the time and every day.  I thought that I couldn’t live without being next to him…but then, I don’t think that he really cared to be next to me. He would rather go and hang with his boys (strip clubs maybe? Or just smoke with them maybe? Who knows…and I don’t care much any more). This feeling of freedom is I guess what another had told me about: to forget about D and stop making him such an issue in my life.  It’s so ironic now that it seems he loves spending time with me …when I rather have my alone time. I use to have to be with people and friends all the time, but now I am just as comfortable having lunch by myself…it’s actually really relaxing.  A sense of freedom in a sense to not have to cater to people, or wait on them if they take forever doing thjngs.  There were times I remember doing this in college and it surely is nice to not have to feel lonely…even when I’m alone. You turn up the music and do whatever it is you please and you’re by yourself with a sense of happiness. It’s weirdly amazing.  Maybe I have found my quiet corner of heaven on earth?  I have a place to just focus on me.  Hopefully it stays how it is…and I don’t do not revert back to before.  I kinda like my new self. This future ex husband really has lost a great part of my mind…All because of the stupid choices he consistently made…it has freed my mind and gut in a way.  I won’t feel guilty for being what some may think as selfish.  I’m just finding happiness….maybe I’ll paint tomorrow after work…if I don’t crash and burn because of this lack of sleep.  Ugh my headache…my thoughts and dreams of Ho Hai is now replaced with something much closer and much more realistic. Something I can make for myself and make life not just a bit happier, but a whole lot.

Just getting away…even for a little while…to walk, to let go of whatever is weighing me…is so nice.  Come with me you weary soul, there is a bit of peace in all this craziness. Even if it’s for a moment, like my moment 8 years ago…it’ll serve as good memories that can never be taken away…unless I forget. I almost forgot 2008! Guacamole at 5am…morning sun, no sleep, and the world is moving so slow…if only time could be controlled and stopped…I would never have came back.  But that is just a dear old memory that I had escaped to every time I needed a bit of solace… It’s time to make a new  sense of heaven.   It’s starting to look good. At least to me. Or is it just a feeling…that I am somehow stronger?  I’ll fall asleep with you on my mind. Goodnight.

I think the short thrill has ended and all are back to normal?

It is fine either way.

Found an interesting poem that started with:

“People Like Us”

Imagine a day, a thousand days

A moment, a life, an eternity unlived…

She was interesting. I liked her. She’s new and sincere it seems. I wonder if she’s just here since our regular pastor is away. Hopefully she will visit again.

After reading Luke something…forgot what chapter, but 1-13, she shared her second grade prayer journal. I think maybe I should start praying again:

Dear God, I am always confused or something. Indecisive and unhappy it seems. Could you please help give me 1) the courage to walk away….or 2) the ability to let go of the anger, resentment and hurt that seems impossible to let go of.  I feel like I have been stuck in limbo for 10 years Or so and not able to move. At times, it is suffocating and other times I am OK and numb.

The more I entertain the thought of divorce…the more I seem to want it. In my dream, it seems like the right move.  One that I was fighting for and the only thing that I really cared for.  The truth, or at least most of it was spit out. Hmm…I kinda did it already in real life the other day… But looks like he isn’t really taking it as the truth in what I want and just ignoring it like before. I guess, eventually when I am completely ready….I’ll need to search for a non-familial lawyer. I definitely don’t want anyone related to me. I like things to be fair and I don’t want things to be more heavily weighed on my side where I might get an advantage.  I think fairness will be the right thing to do and be the best for Lilly. The lawyer should not favor me or Daniel and be an objective person who will tell me if I’m doing something wrong that may not be the best for Lilly. As I have always told him even before we had Lilly… I won’t fight foranything at all material wise and would be just perfectly happy to gain freedom from this thing I feel stuck and tied down in.  I’ll just have to fig out how to take a baby on the run with me.  Her life will seem uprooted and I will feel bad…but doesn’t Mommy’s happiness count too? It seems like I will never fully be happy in this marriage because it was doomed from the start. Yes, it is just my thinking…some would say just to get over it. get over myself and see what a nice family we have…but I cannot get over my feelings and put reason into feeling. Yea sure I can fake it and maybe trick myself into thinking this…but it makes it all the more painful…and more wasting of my time and youth. I’m already so bitter of my wasted years… I’m so not sure how to continue. At times, I just don’tcare/ mind to just run away and be happy. I’ll just leave a note, and leave with little to no explanation… Or I could just text all the grandparents that I’ll be gone for a week or two and they just figure out how they want to split babysitting… 2/3 ways. I don’t care…but that would look irresponsible and he could maybe use that against me in divorce court to fight for custody? I told him, if we do ever get a divorce we could still both do what’s best for Lilly.  We don’t need to be together… Ay yay yayy…roses are always better on the other side. Aren’t they? When I was single (always a very short interval), I wanted companionship.  Now with it, I feel like this person and marriage is a mistake. Note to D (if you ever pry into this diary of mine): you’ve done yourself a disservice. This is personal and private in a sense…sometimes it’s OK for strangers (like the nail shop girls or people waxing me) to know all they can and I can spill my thought… But to you, maybe not. Hey, it’s fair, you have been dishonest too. No more blind trust from here. Actually, I should learn my lesson and never trust like that again. If you guard yourself you won’t get hurt right? I think there’s some flaw to that also. Oh well, it’ll figure itself out like things always do. Back to the topic of my vivid dream, D you found something I have been keeping hidden. I was nervous at first, and a bit scared. But then, relief? Since it was the catalyst that initiated a whole new journey and possibility of freedom…the dream then changed setting.  I was in a far away place, unfamiliar setting. There was 3 people in this private room. One whose voice I recognized and really enjoy…the familiar relaxation eased me into a smile as always.  We were getting some kind of treatment and both faced down on some comfy spa tables.  We were able to hold hands. I like the warmth of a person who wants me and desires me.  It’s a feeling that could melt the whole world away.  The touch of a hand.  That simple. Too bad the dream ended and this is most likely just a fantasy.  I tend to dream of being anywhere but here and of a stranger.  Yea, weird huh? Makes ya think… Does reality suck that bad in my mind that I want escape?  Pictures do not always speak honest words.  People say we look like a good match and have such a beautiful family. Sure, key work to highlight, “look”.  Sometimes, unseemly couples are a better fit for each other. Sometimes not. Whatever. I’ve always been horrible with relationships and always told myself if I really wanted a kid, go to the sperm bank. Why the heck did I marry and not listen to myself?!

Last night I gently brought up the topic again…it has been a while since i brought it up. The topic of divorce…not a fun one,  nor was it recieved well.  Nothing different willb happen since I am The only one that wants it…and I want it to be a mutual agreement I guess.

If anything is to change, I guess it can’t be/ won’t be a mutual thing…no matter how much I hope for it to be an agreeable thing.

Falling asleep crying has gotten my eyes poofy…and not getting enough sleep ain’t helping either. Now, I must get ready for work while everyone is still fast asleep. I wish I could sleep in, but I do really love the easy Friday classes. Only 2 more Friday classes! Then…I’ll keep the other Fridays as my painting days once that short class ends! I never get time to paint… Hmm what would I paint?

Uh oh…time! To get ready…snoozing the alarm again…

This recurring feeling of WHY? Must I feel like I am responsible for all this!!! What the heck have I gotten myself into these past 10 years…I love my daughter…but sometimes I wish I didn’t have all the responsibility and could just escape reality and not be married to this life that I am in. I find single moms that I meet every day so courageous…I don’t know when I could leave this familiar habit even though I hate the situation I am in.  Sometimes I just want to go, leave, do something for myself spontaneously… Or chase after dreams that I had set for myself before being married…But then I think about what I am responsible for and it just frustrates me and makes me sad. These dream have been on hold for a long time.  On hold when he proposed…and I waited another few years until we actually got married…2 weeks into the marriage I was so wanting to get the divorce…if only I did it then… I would not be with even more responsibilities and things holding me back from just stepping out. Being a mother is hard. You’re kind of expected to make sacrifices…my mom did this.  She had fun, worked, and did most of what she wanted…till she had me. Life changed for her and she became a housewife, cooped up and never saw the world that she previously saw again…and also in a marriage that I use to say I would support her if she left.  Why do people stay in unhappy marriages? I’m not sure why…is it the fear of the unknown? I kind of want the unknown…and the opportunity just to run free and do whatever it is that I please… But yet I am still in this confinement… My best friend, my ex boy friend, my highschool sweetheart: 3 in one… We are so much better as platonic friends. I love that we could go on double dates and that he introduces me to his girl friends and now his wife. So amazing that he values what I think and helps me out whenever I need some kind of random help like editing my essay and just listening to me spew. Maybe one day my husband could be in a cool position like that… Similar to my parents’ situation maybe? I’ve seen divorces all my life. Everyone around me seems to have had multiple marriages…I ask myself this all the time: shouldn’t it be easy then for me to just walk away? I guess maybe I don’t want to be selfish? I’m not sure why I stay… These marriage counseling sessions lately I feel are kind of pointless. Why must I pay someone just to talk to us? I’m not even sure it is helping us to be more honest with each other… I am in a sense happier now…but that’s not because we are perfect.  I think more for myself now and may have become more selfish…I am doing more of what I want now in a sense then before. Like our therapist said…I no longer have blind trust.  It’s a mistake that I made and at times I do beat myself up about it. Should have listened to my mom and dad before maybe. Would have saved lots of time, pain and even money not going into this marriage.  I would have been maybe teaching in Korea or some other Asian country and learning their language…and would not have wasted my international TESOL/TELF teaching certificate that I spent time on getting! Everything I kinda hope for myself was put on hold for so long… When am I gonna change this? Not sure still…but it won’t just be me that I will have to be responsible for. Whereever I go….baby will have to go with me. I don’t want to be an irresponsible or selfish mommy who would leave her daughter behind. Lilly…if you ever read this, mommy loves you very much.  Whatever problems mommy have with daddy started way before you were born and it’s HIS problem and has nothing to do with you or me. We might still be together him and I–or not. Only time will tell and how much of things mommy could put up with. I do want out though. I probably would look like the bad guy leaving a perfectly good family. I’ll have to see if I could deal with that. I’ll probably have good support from family…though I definitely won’t want to move back in with my parents! What’s another divorce in the family right? Each one of my parents and step parents are on their third marriage! I so did not want to be in the same situation 🙁 I just find this marriage stagnant, bland, and other than the responsibility of raising a child together…we really have nothing holding us together…yes we have lunch with each other and it’s nice (but I have had lunches with myself and like it perfectly fine…I actually get work done and save time when I go myself!).  What else, we have TV watching time together for dinner…(I don’t really watch TV and he loves it…maybe we don’t have as much meaningful things to talk about so The TV tales up that missing piece during dinner). Dinner tonight without Xfinity on was weird. We ate in silence, with the exception of Lilly talking and playing with her new Playdoh set.  I don’t think it’s healthy to feel like the glue to a relationship is on raising Lilly. What happens in 20 years when she’s grown and leaves? Do I get a divorce at 51 years of age and old and wrinkly? Hmm…it needs to be earlier…will be praying on it…hmm not sure I still pray as much as I once did. This little rollercoaster never ends…I think when one partner feels like it’s smooth sailing…the other is thinking something contrary.  2013- May 2015 I thought life was perfect even though I was so tired getting home from work every day. D was helping me get Lilly ready and picking her up when I couldn’t. It couldn’t have been more perfect in my eyes …at least until June 2015. My world fell to pieces…I stopped planning to have another baby, threw away my ovulation kits and boxed up my basal thermometer. I thanked the lord that he did not give me what I was so actively planning! I love kids and wanted another one…but not with this guy! Stuck some crazy nasty birthcontrol in my arm that was suppose to last 3 years… Gained weight and an unending period that made me take the darn thing out to be left with a nasty scar…all because of who? Hmm…and I’m not sure how much longer I will continue to waste my time and youth with this completely wrong person.  Met a person in 08 and 10 that was fun and interesting. Probably would not have resulted in marriage…but who cares. I should have taken that chance. Life would have been different and I wouldn’t be feeling so old all the time. I’m the same age as D’s baby cousin…who’s irresponsible but living life the way a big kid should.  I don’t think I was ever allowed to be a kid.  Not fair! Parents made me responsible with their issues when I was such a small child and exposed me to situations I wish I didn’t see…I blamed that it was because they broke up…maybe that’s why I don’t want to do the same… But like auntie M and uncle T…living and staying together till all 3 kids are out of college and divorcing after 30 years of marriage… After they kept up appearances of being a perfect family…that was a shock to all. Even the kids I assume…I guess there will never be a perfect time… Though I do still seek perfection in things and think that it exist…even though I’m not a perfectionist and know that that’s unrealistic. Why? Uhg this is long….I can rant on and on….

Can’t focus on completing my little essay that my friends edited for me already…need to send in the final copy…I’m a bit tired but the teas I drank ain’t helping to put me to sleep… So…I was wanting to talk to my friend today about what was on my mind, but she was driving and wanting to talk about her issues…so I guess it’ll be another time when we do manage to call each other to talk.  I’m a lazy friend.  I don’t tend to keep in touch with people real well…even if I consider some my best friends.  But, that’s where I appreciate how we just pick up as if no time has passed. I love my best friend G and my best friend M.  I don’t think life would be the same without them. Hmm…my fork in the road is one that I could eliminate if I really wanted to…but do I?  I’m not really sure, and my phone probably is more decisive than I am.  It somehow has a mind of it’s own and does things that I did not tell it too!  I guess it’s a good thing in a way that it doesn’t listen to me =) My little interest kinda changed in a way…feels completely different to me—a little strange. Could I say a little scarier without being offensive?  The little sweetness turned to coldness…and then to something different…and something even more foreign?  I’m not sure where this is going and not sure what I will do with it.  Not sure if I should,  or if I even want to.  I do kinda want to though… Not sure how things are on the other end.  I wish I knew a bit more how things are there.  I was originally very comfortable, but now a bit uneasy with how the mood could change so drastically and quickly.  Maybe it’s just a season.  Who knows. Ok, need to get back to merging the essays into something more ME. or sleep…I hate waking up early and will need to tomorrow =(ugh!