Angel of sleep, please come and visit me. I found things to do and did most of it. Now I need a book to read to put my head to bed…but am too lazy to walk downstairs to get it…I’ve done the dishes, sorted out the laundry, confirmed swim cancellations, and more. Now what is there to do in the middle of the night? I don’t want to bother anyone… I don’t want be awake…yet I cannot fall asleep. I’ll let my mind drift to far away places… to a time of less worries. I do wish I have a time machine…tho I think it is best to be in the present. I can’t wait until morning. Hopefully I’m not too tired then. Wednesdays tend to be/ used to be the most tiring day of the week. I’ll close my eyes soon. Hopefully the sun won’t rise too soon. Hopefully baby will stay asleep. Mommy is very tired.
I’m so tired but reading to my baby and nursing her brings me a peace and calm that cannot be described.
I almost walked out! If it wasn’t for me thinking that Lilly needs to sleep with mom next to her side I would have been out seeking refuge at my sanctuary.
Damn you for coming over and spoiling my night and irritating me. Do you not get that we are in a damn divorce? I don’t want to talk to you! Get it through to your brain that you cannot undo what I feel. You cannot counter me and think that it will make the divorce go away! It makes me more sure of my decision than ever before. I makes me want this even more because you are not the person for me. You say you want me to be happy, yet you everything you intentionally do is against me. What the hell? You said you hired a divorce lawyer and charged it because you have no funds to pay for it? Isn’t that the stupidest thing to do? How do you think that will prevent a divorce? It ain’t as hell gonna. If someone wants to leave…let them!!! There is no point holding a person that does not want to be there back. Why? I see no real reason. Are you out of your mind? I said: easy, cheap divorce where we could stay friends. And that will make me ecstatic and happy if you sign the darn papers! You: go and hire some bad ass lawyer who specializes…with borrowed funds. Stupid. And to fight for something that is Unwinnable. We will both lose, but do you want a bigger loss or cut your losses and make it small…and can still preserve a friendship of some sort?! Well too late. You make me furious and I do not want to see you. I avoid you when I can. Do not try to come over and wait when I am not here! See Lilly, then Leave! What are you trying to do? Infuriate me and make me mad so I will throw a temper tantrum for you to use against me in court? Well I’ve held it in. Now it’s out. Writing helps dissipate my anger and frustration. Wth do you mean you will not do anything malicious against me? Are you plotting something? What have you got? There is nothing. And if there is something…I will take it head on. I don’t want to air dirty laundry…your dirt. But it is up to you if you would like your daughter to know later on what dad did that angered mom and made mommy lose all love and respect for you. I thought we could be friends, now that may not be even possible. Your biggest lost. You don’t listen. I told you. Take this divorce as time to better yourself and do not fight back. You will not gain anything. You lost my trust in every single way. Out!
Why be confined to rigid structure (yes, sometimes we must, but not always)? I made my own schedule of a workout kinda today and loved my “sampler class”.
I walked in late to the first Strike Kickboxing class ever at Lifetime ( I know some teachers hate late comers, I don’t mean to be rude but I don’t think they should care if they do care. I wouldn’t care if it’s a workout class. Let the student decide and teach on). The class was fairly packed with maybe 35-40 people on the floor. I found a back corner that had enough space for me. I liked the class a little. It wasn’t bad. There is a weight component to it…so yay…maybe I can increase bone density! If I go for a 15 min sampler each Tuesday. I got slightly bored with it and tired of the weight bar (I don’t do weights) so ended up doing the exercises without the bar while everyone else used the bar….for a while.
Right next to me was a door that connected to Studio 2…hmm I wondered…what class is that? It looks like girls dancing…hmm…kickboxing with weights (eh) or…let’s jump classes? I walked into the other room and it had a perfect tiny spot to squeeze into the 60-70 student filled room. It was like I guess a night club filled with girls to absorb the loud music (no need for ear protection, yay!) 3 girls/ instructor/ trainer maybe? We alternating on the stage. Different music than the regular Zumba music. I guess this must be a bootlegged / downloaded version of some sort. Not Zumba licensed or whatever. But definitely a fun workout class! I need to visit more classes to see the variety of instruction and formats…this will be my self-paced/ self- put- together professional development…and I’ll get a workout all at the same time. Fun! Maybe in June…I’ll find one in Tulsa 🙂 to see how different it is in another state! Seems like everyone has a different flavor. I’ll have to figure out what I would want to cook…fig out my recipe I would use as a teacher for something completely new to teach. I used to be so shy and meek and stuck my head in a book throughout high school…now I wouldn’t mind taking on a Zumba job when the time is right to teach a roomful of females! I hope I will be up for the challenge. So many new things in life. Things that I am in love with. I have a passion for life and where ever it will take me. Lilly should benefit from her non-standard mommy too. Definitely not a normal baby:) she can count in 4 languages! I need to push her harder one day. One day at a time…
D brings out the worst in me. That is probably one of the reasons (so many) that I cannot continue to be in the marriage. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a person whom every 3, 6, or 9 months when I evaluate, I want to break up every time. For the 10 years that we’ve known each other there’s been too many “breaks” or almost break ups. I should have left each time. But he’s very convincing and manipulating. Of course! This is a trait of every sex addict. I had to question myself and my gut feeling because he made me feel that there was something wrong with me. I had to readjust how I want a relationship to be due to his lies and the way he pushed me aside for too many years. Did I like everything that resulted from that? Everything that I did as a result of his neglect? No. It’s not an excuse for my behavior but it did influence me. I’m an emotional person. A big feeler…so , when I’m sad I will seek comfort. When I’m cast aside and denied love from the one person who took an oath to love me…it’s the worst feeling in the world for a new girlfriend or wife. Not to mention, him seeking his own addiction through Ashley Madison and other sort of places! I am not a vengeful person, but I like things to be fair. I don’t think I was treated fairly in almost all aspects of our relationship. A friend I talked to about my issue suggested that every marriage is like this in a sense ( I think this guy has serious issues–maybe he has D’s similar prob). He says he loves his wife, but compares her to a cheese burger! He said he loves cheeseburgers but wouldn’t want to eat it every single day. Hmm…so he told me to not see Daniel’s way of finding other women online, massage parlors, or however else as a bad thing. He said find your own thing. He said he didn’t mind if his wife has other people on the “side” and that he’s the main one she comes home to. Such a screwed up logic right? But I think this guy and Daniel speaks the same language! Daniel claims that everything he does is just a “physical” thing and he does come home every night. I don’t want a dead body or corpse with me every night! I want the person’s heart, soul and desire for me…and I would give the same. Daniel is not for me. This “friend” and his wife…maybe it works for them, who knows…not my problem, but not something I want. Daniel benefited from the relationship much more and I felt used since all he did was lie to me. Kept his true self hidden and pretended to be a different person in front of everyone. He made me question my gut and ignored all the red flags…Seemed like a great Christian guy who is so nice. Yet deep down…nothing but…thinking nothing of his wife. I am done working so hard for him and loving him almost unconditionally. I am done trusting him since he does not deserve it. His mouth says one thing: it took 6 years to get married because…he want to introduce me to his grandma…want an amicable divorce also…All of this never happened with his doing. He counter divorced me and is probably scheming somehow to try to get my parents on his side and hurt me. They so see his true face now, just like they thought before, but was giving him a second/multiple chances for the baby’s sake. I have been done for a while now. I cannot wait till this divorce is over and done. I do want this chapter of my life to come to a close. In a relationship…a good one…one that I want…two people should bring out the best in each other. Then we would each become more well balanced and I can like myself more. Honesty in a relationship is important and trust too. That is something that I started with in the one with Daniel, but his dishonesty rubbed off and made me a more dishonest person then before. Not something I like for myself. A habit I need to break. I do not need to be nice to him any more. I will be neutral. Nothing to him. Nothing for him. I have a future. One that I cannot wait to start. So many new habits to form and old ones to break so that I could emerge to become a better individual. A stronger one for myself and for Lilly. I saw my mom as a weak person in many ways and I made it a goal to be different from her. I am. But there’s still so much more I could learn. If I’m still alive, every day is another day to learn and develop. I hope I live forever and will always have a chance to grow. I don’t want to stay still, I want to move. There’s so many things I want to do, to learn, and more…I will figure it out one day at a time. I am thankful for those who are helping me grow.
If you ever stumble across this little diary of mine that serves as my safe place to rave and rant bout all that troubles me..here you go.
So, everything that is happening…know that it is your doing. Why am I doing what I am doing? It is because of your action.
I guess I do have to thank you for that though. If you are purposely trying to stress me out and rattle my family and all…guess what? We do work well under pressure and stress. The pain that you caused and trying to do…will only strengthen me and give me better focus.
As I was showering… A picture of a house came to mind. Our relationship is the house. It has been on an unstable foundation from the start. Our relationship is built on nothing but lies that you have kept from me. I gave you my heart and my everything…and you’ve crushed it countless times. I pleaded with you that if you are truly wanting my happiness as your priority like you swore…sign the papers! Easy as that. Your action shows what your mouth cannot say. You hired a lawyer to fight me. You asked how much is a fair rate for a lawyer. I trusted you and told you. You had to find a bigger and badder one than mine…to make me feel small. Thanks! Because, all I do feel is all the love and support… But not from you. I no longer have to consider your feelings, because you do not consider mine. Like it was in the beginning…it’s the same in the end. If it was the other way around…and you were the one unhappy and wanted to leave, even if I wanted you to stay…I would let you go if it would make you happier. I would take that sacrifice and better myself in ways I could. Too bad, we will never work and again you have proven that point. I questioned if I’m on the right track…thank you for confirming that. These will be my last tears for our dead relationship. If you don’t want a friendly divorce where we could talk, I guess the lawyers really could just mediate for us. Too bad…communication has always been our wall…and it’s just grown thanks to you. I don’t want to talk to you. I cannot trust you. You do not have my interest at heart and this shows you do not have any love for me. You are right…I guess you knew what you were doing and intended to do…that’s why you said my family will no longer support your business. I shouldn’t either if you are out to intentionally hurt me. I have always given you the benefit of the doubt…in just about everything you claim…then the truth will always come out bit by bit. How stupid you must see me!
I feel a whole lot better as today is coming to an end…other than being so darn tired…and still not done with all my work. At least I’m done with all of Lilly’s easter gifts for her classmates. Way too much candy for little kids…but you can only stuff so many stickers into a bag. And what if the kiddos really want candy? Hmm…what a bad tradition! I guess some pediatric dentists will be happy after all the easter egg hunt…I hope Lilly will only pick the ones where there’s only stickers and none with chocolate and sweets.
Ahhh she told me ama and agong gave her icecream today!!! And did not brush her teeth either…:( my first cavity was in college! I’m so scared she’ll get a cavity soon…
It’s annoying what happened…my father assured me that I should not go with my choice of lawyer because yada yada…that this one is in no sense connected to the family and I should not be worried about what I was worried about!
Then, guess what happened when someone just goes about and searches “Natalie N”? It pops up with her name, picture and info on the family firm’s website!!! What the heck dad? You cannot just say oh…we forgot to take that down? Hmm…Lots of let downs lately.
Sometimes I do question things…question myself…question people…I think I’ll just do what I do best and immerse myself in my work. Whatever it is I need to do…to not get frustrated. People in general are sometimes just big disappointments. I hope I’m doing the right thing. Though I was told there is no right or wrong…there’s just gray. There’s no winner or loser…both parties will lose. Isn’t life just disappointing sometime? Well…I guess I’ll just sip on my green tea and be happy my barista was nice to me.