Happy and sad.

End of one book and the start of another.  So my divorce has been finalized.  I am happy since this was something that has been long overdue…but I trust that everything should be in accordance to God’s time and His plan and not to mine.  I did not think that this would have been done all at once today…I thought it would have been dragged out a bit longer.  Grandparents are completely upset with the speed of thing and how one was banned from attending, but it worked out fine.  Having cocounsel was also not something I anticipated that I would have been OK with, yet I was happy to have him there as well.  Things are friendly. Did I get all that I asked? No. I didn’t get the global thing that I wanted so that I could eventually take an overseas job….but I guess that would be unfair to our child to not get to see the other parent on a regular basis.

I was happy to quickly sign.  He said it took him a long time…it hit me at night while tucking my sweet heart in bed with a new book and reading to her before I leave to go to my new or former home… Tears welled up.  I know that this is the right thing for me, but I just hope that this is also the right thing for her.  I believe it can be, but is determined by us parents.  We will remain friends as much as we can be in order to keep our child’s best interest.  Everything we do we must think if it is going to be beneficial to Lilly.  At least that is something we could agree upon.

My parents are not perfect, but their divorce is the best I have seen.  They will be in a sense (not all or completely) a role model for my situation.  I tried to diminish the hatred that was thrown to her father…there is no sense seeing him as an enemy.  The fight is over and that is not good for our relationship with Lilly.  He is still Lilly’s dad. I told them that if God teaches us to love even our enemy, why can they not stop hating on Daniel?  I was the one that wanted things to end and I was the one that he offended and hurt…and I do not hate him.  I care for him because he is Lilly’s father.  Does that mean I want to get back?  Not a chance.  But it is to preserve the friendship that we could salvage for the child’s benefit.  He was a bad husband.  I was sad and miserable whenever I think back at things that happened…but we did have good days and it was never something that he intentionally did (at least I hope not) and I guess was just the fact of the addiction.  Not a good husband, but a decent dad in a sense.  So I do not hold any animosity.  I wish him well and if he is well…so will be Lilly.  I hope he goes through recovery as I go through my healing.

A divorce is a major decision. A life changing event.  Like my Nexolanon scar, it will be there and serve as a reminder.  A sad ending, but a beginning that I need for my healing.  No relationships for as long as I can keep it that way.  I will spend my time with Lilly as much as possible with the rearrangements of my new job and spend healing time with good close friends and family that I have known forever…and work and be productive on my new endeavors.  That is the plan.  Healing and recovery from all that life can throw at you.  I need to be the best I can for Lilly.

Being alone here gives me a sense of peace…all the familiar things from my old pre-marriage days.  I am so not going to be wanting to get into a marriage any time soon.  It will be a very long time… And compatibility must be unquestionable.  Other than D’s addiction and some of the things he did/ didn’t do, we were quite a match.  At least this is according to all those at his last party I threw.  Oh well, we will still be friends for Lilly’s sake.  Just like my parents, if I ever cross path with someone in the not-so-near future….that’s one of the many requirements I would have to have: be able to accept that my ex-husband will be a friend of mine.  It was the same requirement I had for Daniel coincidentally… He had to accept that my best (guy) friend was one that I dated through highschool and part of college.  We had 2 proms together.  Daniel similarly had 2 wedding ceremonies with me also. How funny. Oh well…I wonder how baby and daddy is doing. I hope they are adjusting well. Mom will sleep now.  Love u Lilly!

Ckn days

Weird 2 days.  I had pesto chicken yesterday for dinner.  After cycling today I had a chicken salad…then leftover pesto chicken again before bed.   That’s my least favorite meat too! I really don’t even like cycling…but I guess it was homework.  It was actually pretty interesting and getting to chat with the teacher who seems like a wonderful lady made it even better.  Oh boy dreading tomorrow…though my fighting spirit seems to be a bit ignited.  Being hella pissed off about the past I guess.  I cannot wait till this is all over. I’m so tired. Need to sleep before I end up being late to everything….4 hours… Need to wake up soon….

My little one makes me paint

Painting…something I really once loved to do (still do love it but just never make the time to do it).  I guess it’s good to have a baby that demands love and attention and makes me paint with her:) it makes me take a break from all the busy busy stuff that I end up filling my plate with and spend some time with her…and paint.

Dreading tomorrow in a sense…yet excited to have new students in a new place.  It’s been something I have been waiting for…so tired tho and probably won’t be sleeping any time soon.  Sleep habits…one hard thing to change!  Especially when baby sleeps late too and I have tons of stuff I still need to finish doing.

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Unforseen events

Sooo this supposedly easy week went by crazily. It was really stressful at first but has eased to a different state. Sometimes one cannot imagine how things constantly changes… But that is life ain’t it? If you’re living and breathing… You have to expect that the only thing that will be constant is change itself. What I thought would last, changed as time passed…I have always believe that change is good (even if it doesn’t seem so at the time).

So at the crazy long doc appointment I had (dunno why they make appointments just to always run an hour or two late on you!)…Lilly was shown how Dr.S “turned off Mommy’s milk”.  I thought this was the funniest thing ever. Especially when she was explaining to Lilly what she would do with me.  I asked what/how she would do this thing and she just gave me a look…hahaha…I didn’t realize it was just to get Lilly to believe it. Hmm…well that night was not the best of nights.  This is the third night that she was denied Mommy’s boobies. She has been throwing fits about them. Oh boy, hope this will last only for a short time and she’d realize that she’ll be fine without them.

College class/ administrator got a bit upset that I did not accept the class…oh well. I am getting some new tutoring kids this week so that’s fine.  I just need to clean my place up and organize a bit more…so busy lately… I really don’t have time much for myself and did spread myself quite thin for too many things.  I’m learning to cut back on things to have more time for my baby who’s growing so fast!  So now she could almost count to 20 in the 4 languages.  She’s still messing up with Chinese and Spanish…I need to review those 2 favorite languages if mine.

Baby’s asleep… That means I must try to catch some of the same zzzs we could. Goodnight.

A day at the Children’s museum

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Mommy’s baby and mommy’s student. We all had an amazing day at the children’s museum. I guess this is now my revised goal in life: focus on Lilly. Hmm…i may just quit my community college job and basically just teach my baby…then substitute at differnt schools…be it elementary, middle, or high schools on days when I do want to work. Schedule wise it is just as flexible as an
adjunct instructor position…and with no lesson planning at all (since good teachers should have a prepared sub folder). I should be able to get more kiddos for private tutoring that way too. Need to start a summer tutorial thing! One or so month left ish of classes…and the last few STAAR exams.

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Two of my fave little scientists doing some chemistry titrations.

All these issues with baby

Last night started it all…I finally realized that as a mom you do need to make sacrifices.  I have been seeking my happiness and spending time too much on me and what I was looking for.  Probably neglecting my baby without knowing it by being on the phone more than I should have been vs. spending more time with her.

I need to focus more of my time that I can make on Lilly.  When I am not working, I should just be home with Lilly.

I am not in a place where I could give my heart and time to anyone other than Lilly.  It would be a half hearted thing to both Lilly and whoever. And Lilly is my priority.  Her behavior and emotions needs my full attention.

Been up so early!

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Can’t get this thing to rotate 🙁 too early…

Do you see the bluebonnets? I really can’t.  Had no idea what this was a picture of until I was told.  People see things through different lenses.  That’s why communication is so important.  Or else I would just say “uh, thanks for the picture of grass…” Took over 24 hours for this pic to be sent…so the context was long lost and I was completely confused. image

sick or is it allergies?

My nose is all weird and throat is all closing in and all irritated.  Suspecting dust or someone’s perfume.  Feeling like I could barely breathe and this  cough and sneeze won’t end! Uhg I don’t like dusty pillows and comforters.  I did say last time I was here to make sure the cleaning lady change the sheets! It’s the same thing I think. Too many dusty pillows. Can’t stand these dust collecting fancy shams.  I want my simple bed that my mommy changes every 5 days! Boo hoo.