Last June around this time/on about this day I remember being devastated. My whole world turned upside down in a day. I cried straight for about a week. Thankfully, it was the week of final exams and not a teaching/lecturing week. I think God has perfect timing for things. Though the emotional roller coaster went on for much longer than that week, I was really glad that I discovered what I did. It made a whole lot of sense of what happened for almost 10 years. It really helped to know what was going on underneath the surface so I could make an informed decision. I am okay though. I have tried my best. Put in all my efforts. When things just don’t seem workable after so much effort, it’s time to cut your losses. It’s like a losing streak in the casino, or chasing after whatever it is you are doing/wanting…and it just ain’t gonna work. Stop it and focus on yourself or something else. There is no point in pushing something that will not work. The pain is still semi-there, though it’s better now. There is hope for happiness. I am glad to be in control of my life for the most part and with the help of some amazing family members and friends. I love my baby Lilly and she’s one of the best things that’s happened in the past 10 years.
today was a different, yet familiar day. Church. Single? No family going with me since D had her. I felt a little out of place, yet fine/ok. I did ask to meet them up for Lunch so I could see Lilly and we went to the usual City Centre.
Then, I left and went a packing for the soon to be youngest baby in the family. It was a little sad removing Lilly’s belonging from Lilly’s other home. Lilly asked me when she saw that I arrived at D’s: “mommy, you finally came home…” that kind of breaks my heart a bit. I had a sad, yet productive day. I will find happiness in the fact that I was productive. That I got to see my favorite cousin just for a short while even and got to see him and his wife looking tired but happy…they are working hard and I hope them the best everything could offer. They deserve it.
I guess one thing I am re-realizing about myself is that I have a hard time finding a middle ground. I am either happy/ecstatic/ positive…..or…I am sad/gloomy…today was a gloomy day somehow. It felt as if I had some dark clouds overhead. No rain, no thunder, but just cloudy.
I was depressed being home by myself and couldn’t start the work that I was wanting to do to be productive today. I went to cleaning, laundry and dusting instead…I guess that is my form of procrastination. I had to get out of the house and was thankful that G and Y were nearby doing work and told me to come join them. It’s nice to have good friends just to sit with and not even really talk to while I do work and eat some dry, healthy tasting lamb shwarma.
I finally gave into my emotional day. It’s ok to cry a bit before bed. I guess it’ll unclog my tear ducts. I guess divorce is a traumatizing event even when you are the one filing and wanting it. On some days, things just hit you in some way that makes it just seem sad. That something is not right? wrong? lost? Maybe I just miss Lilly a lot this weekend and she’s with D. I don’t know….I need to be able to find my middle ground where I am not sad and not happy. What is “normal”?
Not only did I work at the school today…but got a couple hours to work on my routine before running off to my townhouse to tutor. Got a nice offer from a friend also to come and help me organize the place before I tutor. Not only did I get a bit of organizing help, but my friend fixed my leaky sink. Awesome! And I am grateful to be on the receiving end of a nice gesture.
So, damn leaking new InSinkerator…had to deal with it for the past few days of only using one side of my sink. The handyman I hired didn’t do it correctly, my step father came to take a look and said “oh the guy did it correctly. It must be a factory defect since it is leaking from the bottom”. I was so frustrated since the guy threw away the box and the manual for the disposal…ahhh…and my step dad didn’t really help much other than making the drive over that my mom probably pushed for.
So, out of the blue a nice friend whom I would never have guessed to have such handy skills offered help when I said I was having plumbing issue. What was this little problem that caused it to leak? Mr. Handyman didn’t put a gasket at the top and another issue was a gap that was between the sink and the disposal. Also, he didn’t screw it in tight enough so the disposal moved and shook when it’s turned on. What kind of handy man doesn’t check these little details huh? Well…I guess cheap ones that tries to cut corners. Maybe I should learn some skills since I am now a single mama. I need to learn to fix things round this little townhouse. Can’t depend on a man…and don’t have a man to depend on either. Oh well, when I did have one, he wasn’t handy either. I’ll learn to be a handy female!
So what was done to remedy this situation of the crumbly old gasket that was not replaced? We used a rubber coaster that was the correct size. It took a bit of scrounging around to find one that has a diameter that was sufficient. I had a small red Ikea one that was too small…no wooden/cork ones…but he found a porcelain coaster with a rubber underside. Ta-da! the correct diameter. We cut a hole into the rubber sheet and took out a circle of it. There it is, the makeshift gasket. For the space/gap…we found a round Tupperware lid that served the purpose. Amazing! Disposal functioning and I didn’t even have to do another Home Depot run. It’s all from stuff that was lying around the home. Such a inventive friend!
Today was a good day. I felt highly productive. I think I slept pretty well…and woke up fairly early. I got to practice my HW routine before running to meet V before class. Oh boy do we both unintentionally stress each other out. I guess her personality and mine does not match. She reminds me of someone…but I guess a girlfriend is a lot easier to limit the personal space thing with when personalities get out of hand. I do like her/ care for her and wish her well…but my time is LIMITED. I wish I had unlimited time and unlimited abilities to do all the stuff I want to do, but unfortunately that’s not very possible…so I gotta pick my battles and manage my priorities.
I had a good dinner1 & dinner2 today. Never seen both of the places I’ve been to ever…in a way=) Post-D had a lot of new changes that is continuing to happen as we speak. Most things, if not all are positive. Funny thing that my old diary is expiring… I need to have something on the possibilities and happiness after divorce. Not only do I feel young, happy, and myself again…but so much more. I am pretty much living for myself and my baby girl now. No one else. Things can start on a bad foot…but there’s no point in continuing anything that is bad. I hope to only do good and receive good from now on. Need to continue to eat healthy…and be healthier.
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Today is another day that served as confirmation that my decision is the second best thing that I have done in my life.
Even though for the past few weeks/ so I have been physically and mentally exhausted…it is so worth it.
Today was great. Got to know 5 new students whom I like a lot in a small group setting. Got to continue with tutoring my old student…though she most likely will go on summer vacation soon. STAAR testing is pretty much done for her I think. I’m still planning my summer schedule. Who knows…I dunno. I’m still a last minute person. Plans always change so I plan that things will change…
A second day training with a friend/s. Met a new and cool Kazakh girl. Maybe I’ll be motivated to learn Russian again. I can feel already that I’ll be so sore for the next few days. It’s a good pain though I guess. Hmm another foot massage day I could take my mom too maybe:)
So excited bout having my kitchen and baths repainted and given a facelift soon! I should take before and after pics…need to ask mom to do it since I’m not going to be there initially. Gotta take baby somewhere in the morning.
Tired and exhausted still…and totally smell like insect repellent! I need to shower now.
It’s pretty hard to fall asleep when my legs, thighs, glutes and even a part of my abs are crying out from this soreness! My foot massage guy did not do any glute massage like they used to years ago. Maybe I should have gone to the old place instead to get my knots taken care of. My back and knees also hurt so much from the teeny tiny weights I used while doing squats yesterday. Sand bag run…oh my abs and poor knees when I was told to jump across these little cones. What have I gotten myself into! I guess/ hope better shape soon. These past few weeks I’ve pooched up a bit more in the belly area since I am gearing more towards my old eating habits. I’m trying really hard to eat at home instead of out a few times a day. My fridge is stocked and probably even needs to be cleaned out and emptied…it’s hard not to eat out at lease a tiny bit a day or every other day. I am a foodie and enjoy trying new places or old favorites. I guess that’s one reason to have girlfriends. Lunch dates, massages, and our future plans of facials and some kind if business together. I should just recruit her to join my book business to sell children’s books…but I am so bot a recruiter/ business person by natures. I did throw it out to all the girls or mommas who’s been wanting to spring on some home business thing tho. I’m much too busy to start some brand new thing that will need major time commitment. I have a baby to spend time with when I’m not out and about doing my work.