Sunday Blues

Maybe it’s a horrible vendor event, maybe my period is starting, or maybe I am still not over the ex-husband.

Today is just a tiring, exhausting and sad day.  A short moment of fun/happy and the longer periods of worry…

So I have no problem moving on with my side…but I guess the idea of the ex-husband dating would still bug me. Why? I don’t know! I don’t / shouldn’t really care either…I do still feel anger/resentment / a sadness of some sort thinking of a failed marriage.

Lately, everywhere I go I see families that are intact. I do miss doing family things…I don’t miss the man, but I miss being able to do activities together, to spend time with Lilly as a family together, and the fact that we had a lot of similar hobbies though not all…

It makes me mad how he could ruin a good thing.  Being married to a person that I cared about and thought that I could be happy with was a grand thing.  But all the lies, and hidden skeletons that he continued to be dishonest with even after that closet door was open…was not something I could continue to be in.

In a sense I am happier because there are things  that I stopped doing while being married that I had gotten to pick up again.  But, in a sense I am lacking that feeling of having a complete family and security of knowing that someone will always have my back (with the exception of when it comes to his addiction).  I guess everyone has some kind of fault of a sort and I have yet to find a perfect person.  I am by no means perfect and haven’t seen anyone to be a perfect match for me either.  Everyone has some great aspect and some that just doesn’t sit well with me.  Life is a confusing blur again…maybe it’s because that time of the month is about here.

I cannot sleep…love Lilly so much and happy to have her near me. Yet I feel so stressed out about things and not knowing…

Maybe, Maybe not.

Girl: had a crappy and tiring day. Wants to see guy.

Guy: I don’t need to see you for dinner. I ate already.

Girl: oh ok…I guess you did already eat. I’ll find friends to eat with then.

(dinner time passes, say 2 hours give or take) girl calls guy…no answer.  Texted, no answer… a few more hours pass…

Guy: short text & call back. Explains he was driving (oh ok…must have been many hours of driving! Maybe now he’ll want to see me?)

Girl: waits…hmm. Tired…exhausted…dizzy… & calls guy.

Guy: oh, I’m not doing anything important. (oh…I thought you said you may be on the way…)

guy: oh I was driving to a guys house. Just sitting at his table not doing anything (girl thinks- oh wow…I guess sitting at a table doing nothing, playing with his dog …is a real nice thing…not important at all…when I kinda wanted you by my side.

Oh well. Not going to force you to do something you don’t want. Especially when you really think about what you say/text.

If you know I wanted you and/ to spend time with you, why must you say “do you still want me to go…?” When I was waiting on you waiting for your bro… I guess I should have known you’d rather do other things like sit at a table with nothing better to do (than to see me) when you said “can’t that wait another day?”

When I explained to you earlier how important it is for me to get it done already.  Why the heck would I lug my tired ass around town looking for something specific to get if I didn’t need it? Hmm…I shouldn’t wait around any more. 7pm-2am is pretty enough. I could have done more with my limited time than wait for someone who won’t even come.

Or should I say don’t want to come. He said he will if I need him to or want him to…but he doesn’t really make it seem like he wants to. I need to get more busy! So I don’t continue to wait to see if I’ll get a call past 2:39am…I guess his short text of he’s going home at 1:13 should mean that’s it.  I’m again over analyzing and wasting my time and energy. I need to get over this fast! And hopefully get some sleep. I’ve got to work a table all by myself without the usual help off a friend or significant other.   It was nice to have help and support while it lasted.  Nice to have a guy carry boxes of books…but I guess each day will teach me to be more independent and expect less help from those I thought would.  It’s nice that some tells me they want to help, tho the person I’d like to hear that from is either ignoring me or just not caring to help. Oh well…nothing I could do bout that…but try not to be sad and cheer myself up.