Relational trauma

So, I guess I was wanting more of an apology and things that I probably will not get.  Especially from a person who was not sincere to me for 10 years or so. Sad. I guess that’s it. Not exactly true friendship that we could have after either. We will still be connected even if we didn’t want to.  I guess the positive thing is that lil baby girl won’t have to see parents hating each other if parents cannot love each other.  It just bugs me how he’s having so much fun and happy after the divorce.  I guess he wasn’t invested at all in what once was.  Even though I was the one who broke it off, I guess I was still sad it didn’t work out. The failure of a marriage has with it a sense of depression of some sort? I’m still working on finding my happiness.  I’m tired all the time from work, after work second job, then taking care of my girl when I’m not working…it seems like there’s no rest.  It was nice having a partner back then at times to help with things and feeling like someone was there for me (even though I guess it was not a sincere/ truthful relationship).  I’ll manage and figure things out.

He said he was still going to therapy and groups…but I highly doubt it.  Probably a lie since that would interfere with his party/fun schedule. MTW tennis, Th with baby and poker weekends…hmm. I guess he’s got it good during the marriage where he gets multiple partners to play with while wife is suffering at home…and now after the divorce, he’s getting to live his bachelor lifestyle even more since I’m taking care of baby most the time. I feel like I never will get to have fun or have a person that I need. I need to get over that and just learn to be fine by myself for now and deal with things…responsiblies, finances, fun?  Being an adult is what every kid wanted, but once there…why did I want to grow up so fast?!

Past Novembers

I remember sitting in my first apartment: on the floor in Westcreek. The boy came with the ball in his mouth “Can I have a daddy?”. WTH? I think if I remember correctly, we had the usual problem. Something about distance and something wrong that I couldn’t put my finger to.   The year was 2009. So long ago and every November something significant happens.  A not so great proposal that was hidden and seems like he was too ashamed to proclaim publicly, but could only do in my bare apartment.  It was just weird timing: I was contemplating a breakup during that week. It just felt like we weren’t meant to be. Somehow another year or so passed and there was the re-do of the proposal. Alright, Vegas is an awesome place: so Ok, sure. We had fun. Vacations are always fun.

Fast forward a few years of just wasting more of each other’s time and no real commitment made…another breakup brewing and starting to happen, he then kinda moves in with me to my second apartment.  Visits became leaving very late in the wee hours, then became just staying with me maybe to limit whom I would see etc…on my whiteboard filled apartment that was disguised with paintings over them hung a special little board. It had a date: our relationship expiration. It was a due date for if we were meant to be–we needed to be married before that date hit. So, I guess that made him quicken the pace of our close to 10 years it seemed relationship that was going no where…we married a few weeks before that deadline I wrote down.  Why? I think I desperately wanted a child before I turned 30.

Sometimes I think to myself that if it wasn’t for that date on my board and numerous quizzes and readings I tried to get him to do with me (together and away)–most of which he had no care to do–we may still be dragging out a seemingly dead relationship.

4 years ago, around this time when I had my first sip of Ethiopian honey wine, was when baby L was conceived.  The restaurant is still booming and is much livelier than what I once remembered from our little date.  I liked my date with my girlfriend there. I’m glad to have girls and friends whom are helping me to not focus on the sadness that surrounds divorce.

Am I glad I made the difficult decision? Yes, since if we had stayed together, I think things would have turned to be bitter.  The deep love and happiness that I once had when thinking of D turned to a sad resentment on all the lies and deceptive behavior that he continues to hide all up till after the divorce.  I was not happy with multiple aspects of our relationship and did not want to end up hating him for all that he cheated me on.  Firstly, a wedding/ honeymoon. Everyone came before me: parents, cousins, customers. What is there to a marriage when all that happened, and to top it off, he goes searching for online affairs? Not once, not twice…last June was the end of it for my dying heart.  I was in the process of forgetting what he did right after the honeymoon that I went on with my mom (cause he left me to go back with his mom, customers and to have a second take at a night out with the boys…always blaming it oh “oh this guy, they boys wanted to go here and there, not me”…oh I just wait for them out in the lobby when they get their massages…all lies and the truth changes each time I ask it over again.  If only he was honest with me, maybe I’d stay.  If only he really truly loved me.

It’s sad that last November he came back with news for me. He looked really depressed.  I don’t know if the look of depression was for him getting contracted with something that he felt invincible to, or maybe of putting me at risk to contract something from a husband that I trusted.  It saddens me that trust was broken over and over again. Lies upon lies.  Lies that in June would be the last time he would lie to me and seek other things.  Lies that he cared for me…sadness, anger, and maybe once or twice a month, depression still hits me.

I’m thankful I have my hobbies and things to keep me grounded. He has his hobbies that he seems to spend endless nights on.  Why do I even bother asking him to do family things with Lilly and I any more? I don’t know.  I will probably ask less and less. He’s not as inviting to me anyways and we seem to be doing fine without each other.  I wonder how to answer some of Lilly’s questions though.  That’s kind of the difficult part.

The past Novembers being married I felt less lonely than those before…I wonder what the future will hold.  I’ll take it one day at a time.

Book fair this week

I need to sleep…why do these BFs make me so nervous and restless?  I need to get some rest not…before I gotta wake and possibly carry boxes…

This week started off nicer than last.  I’ve got things plan all week and looking forward to a busy weekend.

Different: tired but ok

I dunno why I’m tired and exhausted all the time. But I guess it’s ok and it’s normal. Almost every hour of my day has something scheduled in it it seems!I’m thankful for work and thankful for my daughter. Maybe life will make more sense and slow down somewhere down the line. The definition of “family” can really change so much, but it’s ok. Dynamics and relationships with people have also changed.

I think I’ll slowly define and figure out where it is I need to go. Time is such a vauluable thing. I hope to not spread myself thin like I usually do. I have a hard time gauging how much I can do, work, etc… I guess it’s a good thing I’m a single mommy whose time is filled with work and baby/hobby…no time for any type of other relationship. Easy going, non-demanding girlfriends is ok. Def not time consuming and there when each of us is available or convenient. I guess this is that guy-free zone I’ve never had and desperately need as a healing/recovery time from all the relationship issues.

Need to get to know myself better and figure out what it is I actually want and need in a relationship so that when the right one comes along I would recognize it. Or when the wrong one comes, make sure I avoid it. Hmm…I think I wouldn’t mind being single forever. Less drama, less issues, and Baby girl won’t have any step dad to deal with/ i wouldn’t need to be concerned about.

I got lucky, my blended family turned out ok. So…where too on the next HM with my mom…next July if I could save up!

Confirmation 5/10/16- 5months ago!

Another day goes by confirming that my decision is the second best decision I’ve made for my life.  Things are not yet settled because I have not had the time to meet with Nat to go and finish the last step or so. We are meeting tomorrow for something.

….darn this was what happened only 5 months ago! And I feel like ages have gone by with the whole process…it’s so crazy. I feel so comfortable at times and then I feel like a meltdown gonna happen at others .  This is what normal is to a divorced woman. I’m glad to bump into some divorcée. Getting allergy shots have become a double therapy it seems. Interesting conversations as well as immune boosting. 30 min-waits have become more entertaining.

Duele no tenerte cerca
Duele no escuchar tu voz
Duele respirar tu ausencia
Pero duele mas decirte adiós
Duele como muerte lenta
La memoria de los dos
La sangre ardía por mis venas
Pero hoy se seca sin tu amor
Miseria vivir rodeado de la melancolía
Ven espera de ti de ti de ti y nadie mas
Si me llamas voy a tu lado soy
Todo por sentir el latir de tu corazón
Si me dices no yo me parto en dos
Prefiero decirte adiós
Duele no tenerte cerca
Duele no escuchar tu voz
Duele respirar tu ausencia
Pero duele mas decirte adiós

I may have found my middle ground

Is this what balance is? When you’ve cried your eyes out and let it all out. Put on music you like…do housework and just focus on all the tasks and work at hand. Get busy and just focus on work and being productive…as well as stay later to help students, answer their class questions, give them life advice…run to tutor and help them an extra hour with more just life advice and talking free of charge.

I guess I may have found the middle ground balance that some might call it. Not happy,  not sad. Just a middle ground.

I think I’ll tap into my old artistic energy when I find some spare time to paint and do some of the old things that I haven’t done in a while to keep the emotions and feelings alive. I don’t mind being in the middle ground…but I am a “blue”: a feeler and when I’m not “feeling” things…something seems missing. Damn I forgot my paint and paintbrushes at my Townhouse! Sleeping at mom’s tonight and was hoping to paint with Lilly.  I guess it works out, my mom won’t have to freak out about the high possibility of spilled paint.  Haha.


November 2016 Reflections

So, once upon a time…I was a very shy and quiet girl whose only answers/responses were short yes/no answers.

Somewhere between the high school-college transition, my best friend opened me up and I started talking more! What was compromised? Maybe I started to lose the ability to talk less and listen more?  Do I need to revert back to my former self?

This past few weeks were extremely stressful with the A/T incident and just the realization that maybe the pink colored glasses I have on really needs to be taken off. Am I self centered and selfish like what T said?  All I really want is to be happy and chasing after what I feel is right.

I’m so glad to have a girlfriend that understands me to then extent that I need. Having an ear and the feet to dance away depression or stress is something that I’ve put on the back burner for say 10 years.  I know, if I’m married then of course I wouldn’t be going out as much as I am now. I am single, and it’s ok. I am responsible on that I don’t go out unless baby’s with her dad on his weekend.

My baby is my priority, but when she’s not with me I do need to try to focus on myself too and give me what I need. Instead of staying home and sulking on why I am in an empty house, empty rooms, not having my child with me…and feeling all alone. I like being with people, talking, doing fun activities that cost nothing like dancing. It’s a workout, healthy, burn much needed calories (since I eat like a pig) and is more fun than sitting at home watching TV and munching on junk.  I could easily be a couch potato, get fat and plummet into more depression.  I chose to not go that route!

Even if you’re the one who filed for divorce, it’s not easy and there is still much sadness involved.  I’m glad to have those that entered my life during much needed time to be a friend, a shoulder, an ear, etc. I guess there will always be people entering, people leaving, and life will get busy for us all.

Ciao diary. Gotta get my butt to work!