So recently I was told by 2 friends that I need to FOCUS on SOMETHING. I guess I cannot narrow it to ONE but I got maybe 3 focuses?
1) Learn to organize and be organized with my home…parents always said “an organized home = an organized life” and right now my life seems a confusing mess!
2) Finish and “graduate” and get this third job under my belt…it’s something I’ve always been interested in doing and always told that it was a stupid thing and discouraged to. Who cares? If I want to do it and I DON’T THINK that it is a negative thing…then I’ll be doing it. Of course I will have to schedule in my other work and priorities, but I can learn to make some time…just like #3.
3) Learn to refine my dance. It’s not just my hobby, my workout, but something else that I’ve always liked and have a passion for. It’s getting difficult and I’ve been questioning if I’m wasting time on it, but I don’t think that THAT is the problem. It’s probably more me…and my issues. I just need to keep up with the 2 new classes.
I am stretch thin in a sense, but I also feel in the dead of night…that there’s so much time to just lay and stare and think? Oh…do I think? I’m not sure…let’s rephrase “lay and stare and FEEL…depressed? confused? sad? I have no idea! Hopefully I will feel that purpose that I thought I felt not too long ago. Somehow I’ve lost myself and figuring on how to get back.
Sometimes thinking back I get so mad at D. I was on the way to liking how I was, and thought I was the perfect wife…and he messed it all up. I had changed, given up bad habits, loved the damn guy…and not only did he take away my 20s, my honeymoon, but almost 10 years of my life.
Now, I’m not exactly sure what I am doing…going through the motion of life. Figuring out myself. Learning to love the things that I had once loved, and just finding happiness and comfort in things…though it seems to be something fleeting. Ephemeral. D had started a chain reaction, a domino effect of a sort…and somehow, at certain points in time I feel broken little by little.
I am not sure if I am a hermit or social any more. At the moment, I just feel like being alone. Keeping to myself, not calling or talking to anyone and shutting the world from me…yet, I do like company and want a friend around. I go out, dance and smile. Talk to people and meet new folks, but in the end when I am home and all alone again, it kind of seems pointless.
Makes me think, even though I despise what D did, was he the one that understood me most? The one that dealt with me and my personality and was there for me when no one else was? I don’t miss him. I miss my future in a sense…but not knowing what the future holds irritates me a bit. Actually a lot of things irritate me, people, things, things that people do…yet I have no idea what I do with it.
I wish I could crawl into a warm little hole and just fall asleep. I’m kind of tired of the same old things. I need to find time to paint. To draw and create. I need to read. So many things I need to do…but need the motivation and time to do all.