All mixed up…

It’s finally about time…for counseling.  I’ve reached out to the one that I thought would be a good fit for me.  A good friend who’s been going to a therapist for some time kind of suggested it too.  I’ve never been opposed to the idea.  Just lazy and it’s something that takes up a length of time and money that I am fairly short on…but I guess it is important enough to pinch pennies in other areas and make time for this at least a bit.

This is what I wrote to the lady therapist that I hope accepts my appointment:

“I was married to a SA who lied to me for our 10 year relationship (almost 4 of which we were married) and ever since the divorce, I stopped seeing the therapist that we were seeing together.  I’m not sure if he continued his recovery process, but I am ready to work on myself again.  I am still resentful of all the things he did and have not been able to let it go even though I was the one who filed for divorce thinking that it would make me happier.  I do sleep much better now and don’t have to worry about him lying, cheating and bringing diseases home to me…but things just still don’t seem perfect.  We still interact and have “family” lunch/dinner about once a week or every other week.  It’s for my daughter to see both parents together though every now and then.  If it wasn’t because of my daughter, I probably won’t want to have anything to do with him.”

I am writing and on my couch in my room with the Country Hits station on and it seems like every song is some type of a wedding song…great!  All these sweet and sappy songs that just embodies a perfect guy with all the sweetness to a darling that I never was. Chad Brock’s “Yes!” was freaking annoying.  I’m not sure why my gal asked me to be Matron of Honor…it’s tomorrow and it’ll be over.  I’ve never had mixed feelings about weddings before, but maybe it’s a being divorced thing that just puts a sour taste in my mouth.  Damn guy can’t even show up when he got the invitation that she sent to see his own daughter as a flower girl.  What the heck?

I’ve had so many ups and downs this past year…it’s almost been a year since I filed for divorce.  Valentine’s day is coming up and it’ll be one of the first that I won’t be getting flowers sent to my workplace from a boyfriend or husband.  Not that I miss it, but just different.

Haha now that songs have changed…Reba McEntire’s “The night the lights went out in Georgia”.  People get mad, people do stupid things if they stay together and are not meant for each other…or they just don’t care enough for each other and let madness take over.  I’m glad I left and did the best thing for myself by putting a relationship that was stagnant and not going no where to an end.  It never even started from the beginning.  Honeymoons, I’ll do them myself.  With girlfriends, mom, my daughter.  Good trips in the future that doesn’t need to include no husband that doesn’t even really want to be a husband.

I’ll get to do what I like, what I want and hopefully more…and be happy at the same time.  I left sadness, anger, and self-pity…and on my way to finding myself and hopefully end up in a place that is just right.  Zac Brown Band is on with a hopeful song: “Chicken Fried”

D-ex said his problems all started with pornography.  Such a small but crazy thing that could totally lead towards divorce.  I think it’s all his fault to how things ended up.  I gave it my all, and when it just doesn’t make sense anymore, it’s when I cut my loss.

How is pornography harmful?

Unfortunately, pornography’s powerful appeal leads many into sexual addiction. A life dedicated to pornography, or even just seasoned with occasional viewing of it can become considerably darkened by the many harmful side effects. Here are just a few of the many possible side effects of pornography addiction:

  • Perversions (bestiality, transexuality, fetishes, etc.)
  • Irritability
  • Sexual imbalance
  • Sexual dissatisfaction
  • Lies & deception
  • Uncontrolled thoughts
  • Marital strife / destruction / divorce
  • Corrupted perception of reality
  • Warped interpersonal skills
  • Reclusiveness
  • Increased tendency toward sexual crime
  • Inability to give or receive love
  • Loss of discernment
  • Promiscuity

Tears will not stop shedding…and reading this BELOW is pretty spot on to how I felt/feel as the wife/ ex-wife and I guess that is also why the resentment is so hard to let go of…

https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/online-coaching-for-wives-partners-of-sex-addicts/

Looking for a Safe Place to Talk…

  • about grief and pain and rage and despair and longing?  THIS WAS SOMETHING THAT I DID GO THROUGH…MAYBE THE GRIEF AND PAIN STILL COMES UP HERE AND THERE OUT OF THE BLUE
  • about the things you found out and the questions you still have?
  • about your hopes and fears?
  • about feeling love and loss at the same time? THE FEELING OF LOSS…LOST TIME, LOST YOUTH DOES STILL MAKE ME MAD.
  • about what we know and don’t know about sex addiction?
  • about how you could be so completely wrong about the man you loved? THIS IS WHAT I SOMETIMES BEAT MYSELF UP ABOUT…THERE’S BEEN SO MANY RED FLAGS…HOW COULD i NOT HAVE SEEN IT?
  • about what you can do to manage the terrible post-trauma symptoms?
  • about thoughts of dying you are afraid to admit and afraid to ignore?
  • about how to protect yourself and your children? THE REASON WHY I GOT A DIVORCE.  I DON’T WANT TO SLEEP NEXT TO A DISEASE BAG AND HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT.
  • about why his addict-centered treatment program doesn’t feel quite right? YES…THEY SOMETIMES PLACE A BIT OF “BLAME” ON THE WIFE? IT AIN’T OUR PROBLEM.
  • about why you can’t find any “success” stories for sex addiction recovery? BECAUSE THERE IS ALWAYS A CHANCE OF RELAPSE!!!
  • about the challenge to make your life a priority for healing and respect? DIVORCE, DETERMINED TO MAKE IT SOMEHOW…

When the one person you trusted most in this world has just destroyed everything in which you were invested, heart, soul, mind, and body, and you are waiting for test results to tell you what diseases he has given you, it’s not time for a therapist to call you names, ask you how you participated in his lie, suggest it’s not that bad, accuse you of knowing all the time, or tell you it takes two people to ruin a marriage. EXACTLY…HE WAS THE ONE THAT RUINED IT AND IS A JERK WHEN HE MAKES IT SEEM LIKE I’M THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT. OF COURSE I WON’T STAY AND TAKE MENTAL ABUSE. Traumatized partners of sex addicts need someone who makes their needs the top priority. That’s where Diane works—in that rare space where a partner of a sex addict is priority one.

Diane listens and speaks from her heart, spirit, mind, and body. She understands your experience because she shares it. She is not offended or frightened by your post-trauma responses. She draws from a well of compassion that has no bottom. She knows there is more to you than your trauma symptoms—and she believes in your ability to heal yourself.

By sharing coping tools and recovery strategies, Diane will help you regain control of your own life. She will help you identify patterns and cycles of behaviors that put you at risk over and over again, while doing nothing to help the sex addict recover. She will help you begin to reframe a reality built on truth and real information. She will help you name and affirm the core values around which you build your life. Then, you can review your best options in this devastating situation. You can believe in yourself and trust yourself again to make good decisions.

A critical thinker, Diane also offers strategic help to partners going through disclosure events, meetings with his therapy group, custody evaluations, discovery process, mediation, court appearances, etc. She is trained in negotiation strategy and brings an analytical approach to documentation and contracts.

NOT SURE WHO THIS LADY IS…JUST READING HER SITE I GUESS…I WILL BE GOING TO ANOTHER SIMILAR LADY…MADE AN APPT ALREADY…ITS FREAKING EXPENSIVE AND I AM KIND OF ANGRY I NEED TO GO THROUGH THIS AND HAVE TO PAY FOR WHAT I WAS PUT THROUGH FOR MY MENTAL PEACE AND LEARNING TO LET GO OF RESENTMENT…*GROWL*.