Back writing since I had a crappy day. Wouldn’t say I hate my life, but maybe just moments of it (Like a moment or 2 today)

 I know I shouldn’t feel this way. Especially since we are no longer married. But sometimes things resurface that makes me a bit sad and upset. Or maybe it infuriates me. The reminders of the same thing that broke us up and that caused the divorce is still here. Sometimes certain things don’t change some things may but not everything. There were probably 2 to 3 causes of the divorce : 

  • the MIL,
  • the hijacking of the honeymoon, and of course 
  • Him striving to look for girls to have sex/ sexual acts online etc (and email soliciting some female with an apartment near I-10 close to where he works while I was teaching and asking for how much certain things cost). All that and not to mention signing up for Ashley Madison and all the porn.

 

I am thankful that we are not re-married to each other. Sometimes people think that we are lol since we co-parent so well. But with certain issues still in the way, I’m happy that I am still unhappy and not going to just settle for an impossible marriage. 

 

Marriage is no longer a thing I want. It’s been many years how I feel this way and all that keeps happening just confirms to me that the 2016 divorce has been one of the best decisions. Best decision for me. 

 

I’m glad I enjoy my work, but I do need to restart my hobbies and dance when time permits. He makes sure he has his fun and meets his buds up for tennis. I guess all I have to blame is my lazy butt for sitting and working most of the day and instead of going to the gym or dance after I choose to spend what time I have with my kids (instead of using that time for dancing/gym/tennis). THAT is a hard decision! Self care or go see kids after I work and have a tiny bit more time with them before they sleep and the whole busy schedule starts over again….

 

Sometimes I feel like we are faking it since it’s not far from the truth to not correct people who see is do family things together that assume that we are a couple. We are still a family: mom, dad and kids. Just that these parents are perfectly not married lol sometimes it’s funny that I get sad because I recall what I would have liked. For instance it would be nice to have a true family home to call ours. But, what we do is basically just visit each other’s house and stay over. Sometimes a short while or sometimes longer. But I never felt like we had a place that was our own. He stayed at my apartment. Then I stayed at his parents house (one he grew up in). Then we got married I think and ended up staying at my townhouse. Then after we stayed at his house. It’s odd but I guess works for us since things never really became a joint thing. We did not truly have joint bank accounts either so it made the divorce just that much easier. When I “visit” him nowadays I do miss my own place. My kids love staying at his place though. They feel that they have MULTIPLE homes. That all the grandparents home is theirs, that mine is theirs as well as the dad’s.  It’s easier to just let them think that way. Though the MIL issues are still there. The more we see each other the more an issue and lol I always said that’s the one thing I wouldn’t want: is to live with a MIL. I guess when I am visiting I just have to deal with it and think of my sanctuary and safe place and go home to that place.

 

It’s silly to feel like these are issues even when we have been divorce for a while. I just can’t help feeling it still though. Just like a bad taste in my mouth or a stinky smell in the air more like it.