3 months later…

So here it goes…November 3rd. It feels like the longest period I’ve ever had and it feels like I have had this birth control insert forever! But it is just a mere three months! Not a good one but a very depressing one that is. I’ve felt gross, fat and bloated all the time not to mention an unending period. There would be light flow days, mid flow days, then maybe a day where it seems like it’d stop…but it’ll start off as pink again the next day, and there goes the light or moderate flow all over again. I hate wearing pads and tampons. It’s a big pain to be a girl sometime! We have emotions…as opposed to our sometimes “unfeeling” guys. Lucky them, they don’t have to deal with body image to the extent of how much girls do. I felt the need to not be fat even after giving birth. About 6 months after delivery I wAs pretty much back to my pre-baby weight and size. With no stretch marks either. I always felt that as a woman who wants to keep her man from straying I needed to work and not be financially dependent on my husband, keep the house in livable condition (it is no where near spotless…but okay), and of course look decent enough so as to be wanted. My hope of a fulfilling marriage was shattered many times when I was pushed to the side for “sports”, “tennis” or just plain old boring TV! I would be in lingerie for my husband after coming back from our damn 8-people honeymoon and he would not care. There were so many red flags saying you’re not gonna be happy with this man, yet I loved him, chose him and married him. He is recovering from his addiction now and is becoming more aware of my feelings and needs so that’s a wonderful thing. But the pain and hurt of course is still there when is tried so hard to be everything for him. I’m not perfect, but I try to be in decent shape for him, to take care of my own finances, etc…then the baby came and masked the problems that we’ve had for years…the problem that he always denied and redirected when I questioned him for truthfulness, intimacy, etc…I found out the big problem after our first 12-step meeting and visits with therapists that this was a big (and I mean huge!) deal. It took control of his whole life pretty much even before I came into the picture. So much of his time, energy, and potential earnings were wasted to this silent relationship killer! I was sad, angry, frustrated. I knew I did not want to have another child with this man ever again (at least until he fixes this problem and continues to be out of trouble). I was told in June after I found out that he would never lie to me again. The by July 4th, on our overseas vacation in the little hotel bed, he lied to me over and over about what I discovered about “Jennifer”. The next night, after I did my research and found out what this number was, he fessed up. I was hurt. Hurt that I have been lied to countless times. Trust is a thing that is so hard to build and we are trying to mend it, yet he broke the pieces of what I had left into even smaller fragments…I was so tired and I’m not sure when I started sleeping again. June, July, August and September I only slept a few hours every other day because I was so exhausted. I just could not sleep. Especially next to him I guess. The man that I trusted, but lied to me. I could not sleep because my mind would wander. I would ask myself questions, beat myself up internally about how I could have let this happen to myself…the list goes on and on and is very depressing. I thought the Nexplanon was a guarantee that I could have a chance of not being affected by him (having another baby maybe?) but I am still affected by him. By what he does and doesn’t do. Our therapist gave us homework this week: his is to be aware of what he is doing and realize how much time his activities is costing. My homework: to not let what he does or doesn’t do affect me and how I view my self worth. I never thought of this before. Do I always put myself down? I guess growing up my parents were not the kind that fostered me with the sense of well-being but rather put-downs and made me feel little. My dad made me carry his girlfriends purse, shopping items, etc…for her as if I was the maid. He never stood up for me and would always side with whomever his women would be. My mother on the other hand always said I cannot do this, I cannot do that. That what I like to read or draw was trash. Out of anger and a feeling of wanting to get back at my mom, I ended reading all together from Middle school to high school and replaced reading and my like for art with talking on the phone with my boyfriend. Luckily I didn’t get into much trouble. I was a shy girl and my boyfriend was a very nice guy. One I could call my best friend even till today. He knows of all my issues and family drama and was always there in a positive way for me when my parents gave me issues.

Oh boy am I off track from the original intention of this post. I was only checking in to say that even though I’ve had so may symptoms with the Nexplanon insert, that I was still so fearful (before today) to call and make an appointment for it’s removal. After attending our couple’s therapy today, our counselor told me that I am basically letting fear drive most of my decisions. I’m naturally not a bossy person I don’t think, yet I have become one and try to control what/how my husband should watch/work. I’m just fearful of the fact that temptations are there and that he might relapse. I’m fearful that if I don’t nag he will forget what we are fighting for (our marriage). I’m at that end where if I cannot take it any more I would leave and go do what I have put on hold (goals of teaching over seas) after he proposed, got married, and got pregnant. Now my sweet baby is my number one priority…so wherever I go she will go. He has until June 2016 when I reevaluate our relationship again. Maybe I will stay, or maybe I will go. I’m not sure yet. I hope he will have remarkable improvements within himself so that I would have the greatest desire to stay versus leave him and be all that I can be.

My Nexplanon removal will be this Thursday during my lunch break before I run to my second job. I love working and I love what I do. I am where I want to be. Not financially and not relationship wise. But the job function that I do I love. I love teaching and tutoring. And the third job too: Usborne book consultant. All related in a way 🙂 I guess I am learning to be happy regardless of the storm around me. One day at a time…if anyone is reading this (little online diary of mine that I pour my heart and thoughts out to) please pray for me. Thanks!

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