Letting go of my former self

D brings out the worst in me. That is probably one of the reasons (so many) that I cannot continue to be in the marriage. I don’t want to be in a relationship with a person whom every 3, 6, or 9 months when I evaluate, I want to break up every time. For the 10 years that we’ve known each other there’s been too many “breaks” or almost break ups. I should have left each time. But he’s very convincing and manipulating. Of course! This is a trait of every sex addict. I had to question myself and my gut feeling because he made me feel that there was something wrong with me. I had to readjust how I want a relationship to be due to his lies and the way he pushed me aside for too many years. Did I like everything that resulted from that? Everything that I did as a result of his neglect? No. It’s not an excuse for my behavior but it did influence me. I’m an emotional person. A big feeler…so , when I’m sad I will seek comfort. When I’m cast aside and denied love from the one person who took an oath to love me…it’s the worst feeling in the world for a new girlfriend or wife. Not to mention, him seeking his own addiction through Ashley Madison and other sort of places! I am not a vengeful person, but I like things to be fair. I don’t think I was treated fairly in almost all aspects of our relationship. A friend I talked to about my issue suggested that every marriage is like this in a sense ( I think this guy has serious issues–maybe he has D’s similar prob).  He says he loves his wife, but compares her to a cheese burger!  He said he loves cheeseburgers but wouldn’t want to eat it every single day. Hmm…so he told me to not see Daniel’s way of finding other women online, massage parlors, or  however else as a bad thing.  He said find your own thing.  He said he didn’t mind if his wife has other people on the “side” and that he’s the main one she comes home to.  Such a screwed up logic right?  But I think this guy and Daniel speaks the same language!  Daniel claims that everything he does is just a “physical” thing and he does come home every night.   I don’t want a dead body or corpse with me every night!  I want the person’s heart, soul and desire for me…and I would give the same.  Daniel is not for me.  This “friend” and his wife…maybe it works for them, who knows…not my problem, but not something I want. Daniel benefited from the relationship much more and I felt used since all he did was lie to me. Kept his true self hidden and pretended to be a different person in front of everyone. He made me question my gut and ignored all the red flags…Seemed like a great Christian guy who is so nice. Yet deep down…nothing but…thinking nothing of his wife. I am done working so hard for him and loving him almost unconditionally. I am done trusting him since he does not deserve it. His mouth says one thing: it took 6 years to get married because…he want to introduce me to his grandma…want an amicable divorce also…All of this never happened with his doing. He counter divorced me and is probably scheming somehow to try to get my parents on his side and hurt me. They so see his true face now, just like they thought before, but was giving him a second/multiple chances for the baby’s sake.  I have been done for a while now. I cannot wait till this divorce is over and done. I do want this chapter of my life to come to a close. In a relationship…a good one…one that I want…two people should bring out the best in each other. Then we would each become more well balanced and I can like myself  more. Honesty in a relationship is important and trust too. That is something that I started with in the one with Daniel, but his dishonesty rubbed off and made me a more dishonest person then before. Not something I like for myself. A habit I need to break. I do not need to be nice to him any more. I will be neutral. Nothing to him. Nothing for him. I have a future. One that I cannot wait to start. So many new habits to form and old ones to break so that I could emerge to become a better individual. A stronger one for myself and for Lilly. I saw my mom as a weak person in many ways and I made it a goal to be different from her. I am. But there’s still so much more I could learn. If I’m still alive, every day is another day to learn and develop. I hope I live forever and will always have a chance to grow.  I don’t want to stay still, I want to move. There’s so many things I want to do, to learn, and more…I will figure it out one day at a time.  I am thankful for those who are helping me grow.

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