Kind of an emotional night.

I’m not sure what all these feelings that are bugging me are.  Sometimes it feels perfect and sometimes it just doesn’t feel right. I know my decision is right…isn’t it?  Maybe this is just the natural emotional process of a divorce.  It is emotional trauma in a way and I’ve been put in a position lately where I tend to endure this type of trauma…? I dunno.  Maybe it’s not quite that big…but it is taking a toll on me in a sense.  I feel tired, exhausted and a little depressed. My baby girl seems a bit more cheerful today so that’s a good thing.  I find her as my perfect little girl.  I understand sometimes she can get a bit fussy but that is natural and normal when she is hungry, sleepy, or sick.  Even adults get moody during those times.  I know I’m never all cheery when I’m hungry, sleepy or sick.  If I’m hungry, I can be a monster. I have to eat whatever is at hand right away so I don’t get too moody.  I’m definitely not a morning person, and I guess my little girl takes that from me.  I completely understand her.  If she’s gotten adequate sleep, then she’s an angel in the morning though.  Mommy never really gets enough sleep I guess.  During tired/sick times…she’s the cry baby and of course as a mom I’ll try to comfort and appease her the best I know how.  I still nurse her.  That’s her comfort.  That’s what I’ve been doing for 2 and a half years.  Not an easy thing for me to break: her habit and mine.  Not all people see it the same.  I nursed her at the child center at the gym today since it was necessary.  It was her nap time that I am skipping and not at home to put her to bed…would you hit a little girl and discipline her because she’s sleepy, tired and crying and does not want to stay in the daycare center while mom goes to class?  Not a loving mom…I would only reprimand her if she is doing something bad…not when I know she’s tired and sleepy and that is why she cries.  I volunteered to be her human pacifier because I know it would calm her down and that’s one way of showing love. People cry and feel hurt when something is wrong.  I kind of feel like I need a shoulder to cry on tonight.  I’m not sure exactly what is wrong… But it is not the happiest of nights. I’ll probably sleep with tears in my eyes. It has started…

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