Happy and sad.

End of one book and the start of another.  So my divorce has been finalized.  I am happy since this was something that has been long overdue…but I trust that everything should be in accordance to God’s time and His plan and not to mine.  I did not think that this would have been done all at once today…I thought it would have been dragged out a bit longer.  Grandparents are completely upset with the speed of thing and how one was banned from attending, but it worked out fine.  Having cocounsel was also not something I anticipated that I would have been OK with, yet I was happy to have him there as well.  Things are friendly. Did I get all that I asked? No. I didn’t get the global thing that I wanted so that I could eventually take an overseas job….but I guess that would be unfair to our child to not get to see the other parent on a regular basis.

I was happy to quickly sign.  He said it took him a long time…it hit me at night while tucking my sweet heart in bed with a new book and reading to her before I leave to go to my new or former home… Tears welled up.  I know that this is the right thing for me, but I just hope that this is also the right thing for her.  I believe it can be, but is determined by us parents.  We will remain friends as much as we can be in order to keep our child’s best interest.  Everything we do we must think if it is going to be beneficial to Lilly.  At least that is something we could agree upon.

My parents are not perfect, but their divorce is the best I have seen.  They will be in a sense (not all or completely) a role model for my situation.  I tried to diminish the hatred that was thrown to her father…there is no sense seeing him as an enemy.  The fight is over and that is not good for our relationship with Lilly.  He is still Lilly’s dad. I told them that if God teaches us to love even our enemy, why can they not stop hating on Daniel?  I was the one that wanted things to end and I was the one that he offended and hurt…and I do not hate him.  I care for him because he is Lilly’s father.  Does that mean I want to get back?  Not a chance.  But it is to preserve the friendship that we could salvage for the child’s benefit.  He was a bad husband.  I was sad and miserable whenever I think back at things that happened…but we did have good days and it was never something that he intentionally did (at least I hope not) and I guess was just the fact of the addiction.  Not a good husband, but a decent dad in a sense.  So I do not hold any animosity.  I wish him well and if he is well…so will be Lilly.  I hope he goes through recovery as I go through my healing.

A divorce is a major decision. A life changing event.  Like my Nexolanon scar, it will be there and serve as a reminder.  A sad ending, but a beginning that I need for my healing.  No relationships for as long as I can keep it that way.  I will spend my time with Lilly as much as possible with the rearrangements of my new job and spend healing time with good close friends and family that I have known forever…and work and be productive on my new endeavors.  That is the plan.  Healing and recovery from all that life can throw at you.  I need to be the best I can for Lilly.

Being alone here gives me a sense of peace…all the familiar things from my old pre-marriage days.  I am so not going to be wanting to get into a marriage any time soon.  It will be a very long time… And compatibility must be unquestionable.  Other than D’s addiction and some of the things he did/ didn’t do, we were quite a match.  At least this is according to all those at his last party I threw.  Oh well, we will still be friends for Lilly’s sake.  Just like my parents, if I ever cross path with someone in the not-so-near future….that’s one of the many requirements I would have to have: be able to accept that my ex-husband will be a friend of mine.  It was the same requirement I had for Daniel coincidentally… He had to accept that my best (guy) friend was one that I dated through highschool and part of college.  We had 2 proms together.  Daniel similarly had 2 wedding ceremonies with me also. How funny. Oh well…I wonder how baby and daddy is doing. I hope they are adjusting well. Mom will sleep now.  Love u Lilly!

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