Past Novembers

I remember sitting in my first apartment: on the floor in Westcreek. The boy came with the ball in his mouth “Can I have a daddy?”. WTH? I think if I remember correctly, we had the usual problem. Something about distance and something wrong that I couldn’t put my finger to.   The year was 2009. So long ago and every November something significant happens.  A not so great proposal that was hidden and seems like he was too ashamed to proclaim publicly, but could only do in my bare apartment.  It was just weird timing: I was contemplating a breakup during that week. It just felt like we weren’t meant to be. Somehow another year or so passed and there was the re-do of the proposal. Alright, Vegas is an awesome place: so Ok, sure. We had fun. Vacations are always fun.

Fast forward a few years of just wasting more of each other’s time and no real commitment made…another breakup brewing and starting to happen, he then kinda moves in with me to my second apartment.  Visits became leaving very late in the wee hours, then became just staying with me maybe to limit whom I would see etc…on my whiteboard filled apartment that was disguised with paintings over them hung a special little board. It had a date: our relationship expiration. It was a due date for if we were meant to be–we needed to be married before that date hit. So, I guess that made him quicken the pace of our close to 10 years it seemed relationship that was going no where…we married a few weeks before that deadline I wrote down.  Why? I think I desperately wanted a child before I turned 30.

Sometimes I think to myself that if it wasn’t for that date on my board and numerous quizzes and readings I tried to get him to do with me (together and away)–most of which he had no care to do–we may still be dragging out a seemingly dead relationship.

4 years ago, around this time when I had my first sip of Ethiopian honey wine, was when baby L was conceived.  The restaurant is still booming and is much livelier than what I once remembered from our little date.  I liked my date with my girlfriend there. I’m glad to have girls and friends whom are helping me to not focus on the sadness that surrounds divorce.

Am I glad I made the difficult decision? Yes, since if we had stayed together, I think things would have turned to be bitter.  The deep love and happiness that I once had when thinking of D turned to a sad resentment on all the lies and deceptive behavior that he continues to hide all up till after the divorce.  I was not happy with multiple aspects of our relationship and did not want to end up hating him for all that he cheated me on.  Firstly, a wedding/ honeymoon. Everyone came before me: parents, cousins, customers. What is there to a marriage when all that happened, and to top it off, he goes searching for online affairs? Not once, not twice…last June was the end of it for my dying heart.  I was in the process of forgetting what he did right after the honeymoon that I went on with my mom (cause he left me to go back with his mom, customers and to have a second take at a night out with the boys…always blaming it oh “oh this guy, they boys wanted to go here and there, not me”…oh I just wait for them out in the lobby when they get their massages…all lies and the truth changes each time I ask it over again.  If only he was honest with me, maybe I’d stay.  If only he really truly loved me.

It’s sad that last November he came back with news for me. He looked really depressed.  I don’t know if the look of depression was for him getting contracted with something that he felt invincible to, or maybe of putting me at risk to contract something from a husband that I trusted.  It saddens me that trust was broken over and over again. Lies upon lies.  Lies that in June would be the last time he would lie to me and seek other things.  Lies that he cared for me…sadness, anger, and maybe once or twice a month, depression still hits me.

I’m thankful I have my hobbies and things to keep me grounded. He has his hobbies that he seems to spend endless nights on.  Why do I even bother asking him to do family things with Lilly and I any more? I don’t know.  I will probably ask less and less. He’s not as inviting to me anyways and we seem to be doing fine without each other.  I wonder how to answer some of Lilly’s questions though.  That’s kind of the difficult part.

The past Novembers being married I felt less lonely than those before…I wonder what the future will hold.  I’ll take it one day at a time.

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