November 2016 Reflections

So, once upon a time…I was a very shy and quiet girl whose only answers/responses were short yes/no answers.

Somewhere between the high school-college transition, my best friend opened me up and I started talking more! What was compromised? Maybe I started to lose the ability to talk less and listen more?  Do I need to revert back to my former self?

This past few weeks were extremely stressful with the A/T incident and just the realization that maybe the pink colored glasses I have on really needs to be taken off. Am I self centered and selfish like what T said?  All I really want is to be happy and chasing after what I feel is right.

I’m so glad to have a girlfriend that understands me to then extent that I need. Having an ear and the feet to dance away depression or stress is something that I’ve put on the back burner for say 10 years.  I know, if I’m married then of course I wouldn’t be going out as much as I am now. I am single, and it’s ok. I am responsible on that I don’t go out unless baby’s with her dad on his weekend.

My baby is my priority, but when she’s not with me I do need to try to focus on myself too and give me what I need. Instead of staying home and sulking on why I am in an empty house, empty rooms, not having my child with me…and feeling all alone. I like being with people, talking, doing fun activities that cost nothing like dancing. It’s a workout, healthy, burn much needed calories (since I eat like a pig) and is more fun than sitting at home watching TV and munching on junk.  I could easily be a couch potato, get fat and plummet into more depression.  I chose to not go that route!

Even if you’re the one who filed for divorce, it’s not easy and there is still much sadness involved.  I’m glad to have those that entered my life during much needed time to be a friend, a shoulder, an ear, etc. I guess there will always be people entering, people leaving, and life will get busy for us all.

Ciao diary. Gotta get my butt to work!

Sunday Blues

Maybe it’s a horrible vendor event, maybe my period is starting, or maybe I am still not over the ex-husband.

Today is just a tiring, exhausting and sad day.  A short moment of fun/happy and the longer periods of worry…

So I have no problem moving on with my side…but I guess the idea of the ex-husband dating would still bug me. Why? I don’t know! I don’t / shouldn’t really care either…I do still feel anger/resentment / a sadness of some sort thinking of a failed marriage.

Lately, everywhere I go I see families that are intact. I do miss doing family things…I don’t miss the man, but I miss being able to do activities together, to spend time with Lilly as a family together, and the fact that we had a lot of similar hobbies though not all…

It makes me mad how he could ruin a good thing.  Being married to a person that I cared about and thought that I could be happy with was a grand thing.  But all the lies, and hidden skeletons that he continued to be dishonest with even after that closet door was open…was not something I could continue to be in.

In a sense I am happier because there are things  that I stopped doing while being married that I had gotten to pick up again.  But, in a sense I am lacking that feeling of having a complete family and security of knowing that someone will always have my back (with the exception of when it comes to his addiction).  I guess everyone has some kind of fault of a sort and I have yet to find a perfect person.  I am by no means perfect and haven’t seen anyone to be a perfect match for me either.  Everyone has some great aspect and some that just doesn’t sit well with me.  Life is a confusing blur again…maybe it’s because that time of the month is about here.

I cannot sleep…love Lilly so much and happy to have her near me. Yet I feel so stressed out about things and not knowing…

Maybe, Maybe not.

Girl: had a crappy and tiring day. Wants to see guy.

Guy: I don’t need to see you for dinner. I ate already.

Girl: oh ok…I guess you did already eat. I’ll find friends to eat with then.

(dinner time passes, say 2 hours give or take) girl calls guy…no answer.  Texted, no answer… a few more hours pass…

Guy: short text & call back. Explains he was driving (oh ok…must have been many hours of driving! Maybe now he’ll want to see me?)

Girl: waits…hmm. Tired…exhausted…dizzy… & calls guy.

Guy: oh, I’m not doing anything important. (oh…I thought you said you may be on the way…)

guy: oh I was driving to a guys house. Just sitting at his table not doing anything (girl thinks- oh wow…I guess sitting at a table doing nothing, playing with his dog …is a real nice thing…not important at all…when I kinda wanted you by my side.

Oh well. Not going to force you to do something you don’t want. Especially when you really think about what you say/text.

If you know I wanted you and/ to spend time with you, why must you say “do you still want me to go…?” When I was waiting on you waiting for your bro… I guess I should have known you’d rather do other things like sit at a table with nothing better to do (than to see me) when you said “can’t that wait another day?”

When I explained to you earlier how important it is for me to get it done already.  Why the heck would I lug my tired ass around town looking for something specific to get if I didn’t need it? Hmm…I shouldn’t wait around any more. 7pm-2am is pretty enough. I could have done more with my limited time than wait for someone who won’t even come.

Or should I say don’t want to come. He said he will if I need him to or want him to…but he doesn’t really make it seem like he wants to. I need to get more busy! So I don’t continue to wait to see if I’ll get a call past 2:39am…I guess his short text of he’s going home at 1:13 should mean that’s it.  I’m again over analyzing and wasting my time and energy. I need to get over this fast! And hopefully get some sleep. I’ve got to work a table all by myself without the usual help off a friend or significant other.   It was nice to have help and support while it lasted.  Nice to have a guy carry boxes of books…but I guess each day will teach me to be more independent and expect less help from those I thought would.  It’s nice that some tells me they want to help, tho the person I’d like to hear that from is either ignoring me or just not caring to help. Oh well…nothing I could do bout that…but try not to be sad and cheer myself up.

Greener on the other side?

Attending church as an individual has a completely different feel than when going as a family. As a family I felt more of a sense of “participation” and belonging…now that I am going as a single person, especially on days without my daughter, something just feels a bit weird. More of an “onlooker” sense.   I really don’t even feel like going at times, other than to go because it should be done/ a good habit to have.  Has my walk with God shifted? Maybe I’m just a bit lost and confused? I will pray when I can and continue where I am…I’ve realized some of the things I need to do out of responsibility and some of the things I need to do to be happy.  I hope the end result and my logic is on somewhat of a correct path.  I can choose my road to an extent…and I think I am moving in a forward direction, though it is not always comfortable and easy.  Past habits and past comforts…had been a little ingrained…oh well. Happy Sunday. At least I made it this week and given my tithe.


So much to do, so much to learn. So much to live for…


imageIt’s past 1am…nearing 2am and I’m guessing this will be one of those nights that tears will flow and I’ll cry myself to sleep. Almost 3…and my phone rang! It wasn’t what I expected/ who I expected. But that is resolved.  Other things not so much so.

423. Still unable to sleep. Thinking of my happy place. Teleporting myself there.


UnHappy Father’s Day

It’s been a few days waiting for this little emotional roller coaster to come and it finally did.  My dad started with warmth…but then all these texts/ non responses from my dad really made me a bit agitated.

I guess I feel a bit depressed with how this year is different.  I know it’s a good thing for my well being and for my baby girl in the long run…but that’s the logic…not how I am feeling today at the moment though.  Tears won’t stop running.  Why is my dad not responding or even picking up a call?  I feel lonely, yet I don’t want to be where I could be.  I don’t want to be with a crowd/ at a party where I am invited but denied.  I wanted to see my dad for a quick lunch just to see him…but it seems like the step mom has his phone and he is just too busy to respond.

So instead of celebrating with Lilly and Dan like they suggested I am here…trying not to cry while I clean and organize…I am making more progress than usual/ than what I thought…it’s just a darn slow process and my darn friend whom was gonna help me have yet to tell me approximately when she would come.  I don’t like not knowing a time.  It is very irritating

It’s sad that those whom I thought would care seem to not care!  Why would my dad not pick up? FINE. I am done and not gonna call anymore. Completely upset!

I’ll figure things out…

It’s almost that day: June 2

Last June around this time/on about this day I remember being devastated.  My whole world turned upside down in a day.  I cried straight for about a week.  Thankfully, it was the week of final exams and not a teaching/lecturing week.  I think God has perfect timing for things.  Though the emotional roller coaster went on for much longer than that week, I was really glad that I discovered what I did.  It made a whole lot of sense of what happened for almost 10 years.  It really helped to know what was going on underneath the surface so I could make an informed decision.  I am okay though.  I have tried my best.  Put in all my efforts.  When things just don’t seem workable after so much effort, it’s time to cut your losses.  It’s like a losing streak in the casino, or chasing after whatever it is you are doing/wanting…and it just ain’t gonna work.  Stop it and focus on yourself or something else.  There is no point in pushing something that will not work.  The pain is still semi-there,  though it’s better now.  There is hope for happiness.  I am glad to be in control of my life for the most part and with the help of some amazing family members and friends.  I love my baby Lilly and she’s one of the best things that’s happened in the past 10 years.