Adiós

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=wB4v8fKgaOM
Duele no tenerte cerca
Duele no escuchar tu voz
Duele respirar tu ausencia
Pero duele mas decirte adiós
Duele como muerte lenta
La memoria de los dos
La sangre ardía por mis venas
Pero hoy se seca sin tu amor
Miseria vivir rodeado de la melancolía
Ven espera de ti de ti de ti y nadie mas
Si me llamas voy a tu lado soy
Todo por sentir el latir de tu corazón
Si me dices no yo me parto en dos
Prefiero decirte adiós
Duele no tenerte cerca
Duele no escuchar tu voz
Duele respirar tu ausencia
Pero duele mas decirte adiós

I may have found my middle ground

Is this what balance is? When you’ve cried your eyes out and let it all out. Put on music you like…do housework and just focus on all the tasks and work at hand. Get busy and just focus on work and being productive…as well as stay later to help students, answer their class questions, give them life advice…run to tutor and help them an extra hour with more just life advice and talking free of charge.

I guess I may have found the middle ground balance that some might call it. Not happy,  not sad. Just a middle ground.

I think I’ll tap into my old artistic energy when I find some spare time to paint and do some of the old things that I haven’t done in a while to keep the emotions and feelings alive. I don’t mind being in the middle ground…but I am a “blue”: a feeler and when I’m not “feeling” things…something seems missing. Damn I forgot my paint and paintbrushes at my Townhouse! Sleeping at mom’s tonight and was hoping to paint with Lilly.  I guess it works out, my mom won’t have to freak out about the high possibility of spilled paint.  Haha.

 

November 2016 Reflections

So, once upon a time…I was a very shy and quiet girl whose only answers/responses were short yes/no answers.

Somewhere between the high school-college transition, my best friend opened me up and I started talking more! What was compromised? Maybe I started to lose the ability to talk less and listen more?  Do I need to revert back to my former self?

This past few weeks were extremely stressful with the A/T incident and just the realization that maybe the pink colored glasses I have on really needs to be taken off. Am I self centered and selfish like what T said?  All I really want is to be happy and chasing after what I feel is right.

I’m so glad to have a girlfriend that understands me to then extent that I need. Having an ear and the feet to dance away depression or stress is something that I’ve put on the back burner for say 10 years.  I know, if I’m married then of course I wouldn’t be going out as much as I am now. I am single, and it’s ok. I am responsible on that I don’t go out unless baby’s with her dad on his weekend.

My baby is my priority, but when she’s not with me I do need to try to focus on myself too and give me what I need. Instead of staying home and sulking on why I am in an empty house, empty rooms, not having my child with me…and feeling all alone. I like being with people, talking, doing fun activities that cost nothing like dancing. It’s a workout, healthy, burn much needed calories (since I eat like a pig) and is more fun than sitting at home watching TV and munching on junk.  I could easily be a couch potato, get fat and plummet into more depression.  I chose to not go that route!

Even if you’re the one who filed for divorce, it’s not easy and there is still much sadness involved.  I’m glad to have those that entered my life during much needed time to be a friend, a shoulder, an ear, etc. I guess there will always be people entering, people leaving, and life will get busy for us all.

Ciao diary. Gotta get my butt to work!

Sunday Blues

Maybe it’s a horrible vendor event, maybe my period is starting, or maybe I am still not over the ex-husband.

Today is just a tiring, exhausting and sad day.  A short moment of fun/happy and the longer periods of worry…

So I have no problem moving on with my side…but I guess the idea of the ex-husband dating would still bug me. Why? I don’t know! I don’t / shouldn’t really care either…I do still feel anger/resentment / a sadness of some sort thinking of a failed marriage.

Lately, everywhere I go I see families that are intact. I do miss doing family things…I don’t miss the man, but I miss being able to do activities together, to spend time with Lilly as a family together, and the fact that we had a lot of similar hobbies though not all…

It makes me mad how he could ruin a good thing.  Being married to a person that I cared about and thought that I could be happy with was a grand thing.  But all the lies, and hidden skeletons that he continued to be dishonest with even after that closet door was open…was not something I could continue to be in.

In a sense I am happier because there are things  that I stopped doing while being married that I had gotten to pick up again.  But, in a sense I am lacking that feeling of having a complete family and security of knowing that someone will always have my back (with the exception of when it comes to his addiction).  I guess everyone has some kind of fault of a sort and I have yet to find a perfect person.  I am by no means perfect and haven’t seen anyone to be a perfect match for me either.  Everyone has some great aspect and some that just doesn’t sit well with me.  Life is a confusing blur again…maybe it’s because that time of the month is about here.

I cannot sleep…love Lilly so much and happy to have her near me. Yet I feel so stressed out about things and not knowing…

Maybe, Maybe not.

Girl: had a crappy and tiring day. Wants to see guy.

Guy: I don’t need to see you for dinner. I ate already.

Girl: oh ok…I guess you did already eat. I’ll find friends to eat with then.

(dinner time passes, say 2 hours give or take) girl calls guy…no answer.  Texted, no answer… a few more hours pass…

Guy: short text & call back. Explains he was driving (oh ok…must have been many hours of driving! Maybe now he’ll want to see me?)

Girl: waits…hmm. Tired…exhausted…dizzy… & calls guy.

Guy: oh, I’m not doing anything important. (oh…I thought you said you may be on the way…)

guy: oh I was driving to a guys house. Just sitting at his table not doing anything (girl thinks- oh wow…I guess sitting at a table doing nothing, playing with his dog …is a real nice thing…not important at all…when I kinda wanted you by my side.

Oh well. Not going to force you to do something you don’t want. Especially when you really think about what you say/text.

If you know I wanted you and/ to spend time with you, why must you say “do you still want me to go…?” When I was waiting on you waiting for your bro… I guess I should have known you’d rather do other things like sit at a table with nothing better to do (than to see me) when you said “can’t that wait another day?”

When I explained to you earlier how important it is for me to get it done already.  Why the heck would I lug my tired ass around town looking for something specific to get if I didn’t need it? Hmm…I shouldn’t wait around any more. 7pm-2am is pretty enough. I could have done more with my limited time than wait for someone who won’t even come.

Or should I say don’t want to come. He said he will if I need him to or want him to…but he doesn’t really make it seem like he wants to. I need to get more busy! So I don’t continue to wait to see if I’ll get a call past 2:39am…I guess his short text of he’s going home at 1:13 should mean that’s it.  I’m again over analyzing and wasting my time and energy. I need to get over this fast! And hopefully get some sleep. I’ve got to work a table all by myself without the usual help off a friend or significant other.   It was nice to have help and support while it lasted.  Nice to have a guy carry boxes of books…but I guess each day will teach me to be more independent and expect less help from those I thought would.  It’s nice that some tells me they want to help, tho the person I’d like to hear that from is either ignoring me or just not caring to help. Oh well…nothing I could do bout that…but try not to be sad and cheer myself up.

Greener on the other side?

Attending church as an individual has a completely different feel than when going as a family. As a family I felt more of a sense of “participation” and belonging…now that I am going as a single person, especially on days without my daughter, something just feels a bit weird. More of an “onlooker” sense.   I really don’t even feel like going at times, other than to go because it should be done/ a good habit to have.  Has my walk with God shifted? Maybe I’m just a bit lost and confused? I will pray when I can and continue where I am…I’ve realized some of the things I need to do out of responsibility and some of the things I need to do to be happy.  I hope the end result and my logic is on somewhat of a correct path.  I can choose my road to an extent…and I think I am moving in a forward direction, though it is not always comfortable and easy.  Past habits and past comforts…had been a little ingrained…oh well. Happy Sunday. At least I made it this week and given my tithe.

 

So much to do, so much to learn. So much to live for…

July19-20

imageIt’s past 1am…nearing 2am and I’m guessing this will be one of those nights that tears will flow and I’ll cry myself to sleep. Almost 3…and my phone rang! It wasn’t what I expected/ who I expected. But that is resolved.  Other things not so much so.

423. Still unable to sleep. Thinking of my happy place. Teleporting myself there.