This is pretty on the spot. (Good reading for new/future relationships also….to know what to avoid. We girls are emotional and we just cannot help it most of the time)
What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who is there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected.
Today… I did lots of things. Mostly talking and expressing myself to people who did not exactly see from my perspective and where I was going. I mean where I AM going. It seems like only my dad is fully supportive of my decision and everyone else just wants to meet me, talk and try to change my mind. I guess I was easily swayed before on such decisions…and that’s why I never took the initiative of making what I want happen…until recently. It’s always easier for people to just stay in a habit…be it an addiction/laziness/ just the same old thing that maybe they even hate. Change is hard sometimes. It really helps to have more than just one motivation to do things. Motivation can come in all forms. I told Y today after I had lunch with myself ( I was planning to have a day to reflect on things and just be by myself today…but so many people bugged me and wanted to meet and talk. A bit annoying…) that I see this light at the end of the dark tunnel that I was in…and things are lightening up. I felt like Sunday night staying at my mom’s a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I felt such great family support for my decision then. The next day though it all changed. My mom is I guess a bit wishy washy and have done some things that have annoyed me. I don’t really want to talk to her. I thought that she understood me and is 100% supportive, but I guess not. Maybe it’s because D has been visiting her a couple of mornings and talking to her…I don’t like it. I don’t like her messages to me trying to make me “reconsider”. Well, I ignore her for the most part and have not been wanting to communicate and fight with her. Tues, Weds, Thurs…it’s a whirlwind of ups and downs and emotions. Even though I am excited about getting my life back and filing for divorce, it ain’t an easy thing…since it involves so many people. You would thing it’s just D and I, but all the grandmas…really just my mom and step mother has been so distraught about it and I guess since they’re females they get all emotional and weird too. I would have thought it’d be me that would sound like that…but I’m the one telling them this is the best decision, the one I feel really good about and it is what I truly what. It pisses me off that they keep giving their unwanted input. My mom said that once a mom, you need to sacrifice your happiness for your child. This is bull! She was not happy with my father or my current step day. Was I happy? No. I didn’t like all the bitching and calling me names when I was younger. She was kind of all over the place with her emotions…it’s understandable now that I can see where she was coming from, but I had a fairly screwed up childhood that probably stemmed from her unhappiness. Completely different from my mom, Pauline, a single mother who one-handedly raised up a son and a daughter with not a help from a man…I admire her and will seek to do the same. She can be happy even if alone. Do I want to be alone? No. Not really. Having company is wonderful. I’d like someone whom I can love whole heartedly and trust almost completely…and someone who would feel the same about me and treat me well. And hopefully won’t be mean to me, neglect me, or abuse me in any way (mentally or physically). But, if this person never comes around…hopefully I can be satisfied being single and not just get into relationships just to be in one. Is it just me or do people find an “interest” and fall head over heels sorta for them for a second…and can easily fall out too? I think that was what happened with D. Maybe you can only endure hurt/pain/neglect for a certain time.. And then you’re just done. I hope that if I do ever find another person it’ll last forever. Or just know better than to get into something that won’t last. What if you really like the person though? That will make it much harder to decided. Would you have to compromise your principles? Does that person even really like you? How do you know if it’s even a match? I once thought D was my match…and look where that brought me? Oh well…at least I won’t be wasting my 30s and whatever happens will be only me I’ve got to blame. No longer intimate with the future ex husband and just waiting for Mrs. N to give me the darn forms to give him. It’s been more than 24 hours! I’m an impatient person…she needs to hurry up.
Oh yea, meeting Y at her house was pretty interesting. We chatted as I imputed my grades online. A bit depressing with so many bad grades for this test, but it’s their fault for being late to class and not getting to practice and head pertinent infos. Y at first was questioning me like all these other females…but I guess she did head me out and validated that I was on the right track. Not that I need validation and approval from people, but it sure does make me feel a bit better. I’m a Feeler. I do things from gut instincts. I really should try to use my head and logically analyze what the heck I am doing and getting myself into…but I don’t really want to (if I do that, I probably would do what I’m doing). Why am I doing what I’m doing? Cuz I don’t like how I feel being married and I like this other feeling a lot more. I want to be single. I want to make decisions without having to consult D. And, if I want to go teach somewhere over seas (when I first get my lazy butt up and search for jobs I want and apply) then I can go. There’s lots of opportunities for a teacher to go abroad. Pay will definitely suck and might not be too great, but I don’t care. It’ll be a good experience and I’m all for that. Lilly I think will also have a great experience with mommy and be able to learn new languages. So…if I need a breaK from everything…that will be a plan for the year or so to come. Lawyer lady said I’ll have to get legal paperwork stuff revised for all the visitation/custody time. Eh, once that comes, I’ll get her to help again. She’s a cool little lady.
So…after tutoring my favorite 7th grader, both Mom and M wanted to meet and talk. I told my mom I’d see her tomorrow (Friday)….I really don’t want to talk to her. Was reluctant to meet both of them up today…but M kept bugging me that she needed to talk to me! Uhg. Well, the “talk” went well. She told me that her husband has such bigger issues and she’s been through so much worse than what I had and I should stay with D and try to work it out. I said No. That I don’t want to. I don’t want to work on the marriage no more. It’s been like that since the holidays last year. I don’t see the point any more. Maybe I shouldn’t have blurted out that I wouldn’t ever be put in a position to married to someone like her husband…eh, I would never in a million years marry someone even vaguely close to my dad’s age…not to mention OLDER than my father. Hmm maybe I do need to filter what I say and save myself a bit of trouble with certain people that can’t handle me that way. Well, M did just fine. I think she knew I didn’t mean anything rude towards her and it’s just my opinion and preference. Age shouldn’t matter if everything else is perfect. I wouldn’t mind later on dating a younger person. Hey, positive side is…I would not be neglected the same way an older person did me! I want someone whom to share everything with and that we could just love each other beyond our wildest dreams. Sweetly of course 🙂 I’m not crazy. I just sometimes have vivid imaginations…ain’t that just my artistic/creative nature? Hmmm…maybe I’ll apply for the elementary school art teacher position again. It’d be fun. And a more stable income. Too many options! I want to do everything and be everywhere…I am scatter brained sometimes. Everyone is weird in their own little way. What’s your weirdness? I’d like to know:)