Yesterday with dad

Had a very productive and fun day with my dad.  We didn’t necessarily do anything that really qualifies as a fun outing…just random errands mostly…but having time with just my dad is really nice. I don’t usually get to have my dad to myself like I used to since when he got remarried.  My step momma takes up all his time and energy and when he sees me a lot of time he seems to almost sound like the way she talks.  Hmm…how people do influence each other.  We all rub off of each other one way or another.  That’s why I think it is pretty important to choose who you hang with.  Or you’ll learn similar bad habits…maybe.  Doesn’t always work that way.  But it will be draining for one person to have to deal with the other and their issues and personality if it doesn’t fit.  Hopefully everyone is with whom they want to be because of love and compatibility 🙂 I know that’s what I would want. And I’m happy where I am right now.

I am happy with my decisions.  I am getting to spend more time with my parents whom I’ve kind of neglected for a while…and spending time in all of my “rooms” that they all have for me…and elsewhere haha.

Yesterday was fun and productive.  Today has been too. Our cart shows my dad and i have Lilly in common. Sidewalk chalk…that’ll be lots of fun for her!IMG_20160318_134132

3/15 kind of a perfect day!

A interesting day.  I was a bit nervous…well, maybe much more than a bit nervous with everything the day had to offer…Little Jeanie helped ease my nervousness of going to the much dreaded confession… We were early to church and it was completely packed! I had to park really far.  I thought it was just a regular Spanish mass of some sort…until I saw a little white casket.  Later the father announced that out of the 3 that we were to pray for was the 5 year old that passed away.  I wonder what happened.  Funerals and death is always a sad thing, but especially when it’s a small child.  I don’t know what would happen or how I would deal with it if my baby was to go though this.  I hope I’ll never have to find out.  Too many deaths in the family the past few years.  Grandma and pa was about to be 100 soon and they’ve left behind almost a dozen kids.  I’ll miss them, but it’s natural at that age to leave this world.  Their bodies  were failing in so many ways…I never had a really close relationship with my dad’s side either…so when my priest uncle whom seem to never care for me passed recently…it was sad because my dad was sad, but I did not feel much.  It was just another day. Back to today…I had a wonderful time.  No care in the world but just to enjoy my day:). I was really glad how things turned out.  Everything happened almost perfectly?  Other than having to see my mom I think 3 days in a row.  I love that woman, but oh how I cannot stand her!  She nags at everything and knows just how to dampen a perfect mood.  I wish she wasn’t so negative about everything and always screaming at the smallest and unimportant things.  I remember when I was young being scold over spilled milk.  I try not to do that with Lillu. No one means to spill milk.  Yes, it’s annoying …but learn to control your temper!  She yells at Bambi pooping on the floor…well, if she trains the dog to go outside…that wouldn’t happen!  She leaves these little blue doggy/baby pads on the floor for her to pee on.  Bambi has a habit of pooping around it.  Oh well, pick it up, clean it, and no need to yell.  And the yelling at grandma…just. Bad example for Lilly and myself to see.  Maybe that’s why when I get really frustrated I do  yell back too.:( unfortunately.  I hope I will be a better role model for Lilly than my parents were to me.  I love them lots but don’t agree with everything.  Hmm…and I really have no idea how certain things are going in life.  I hope they don’t affect Lilly negatively.  I guess I will need to talk to Father M.  Such an interesting confession time today!  I had no penance to recite…and was give an email address to set up  a talk session with him of some sort.  I guess it’s not too weird that my mom goes and talks to all the priests with her issues and goes to church on a daily basis! Umm I hope to not do the daily masses ever…maybe once I’m old, but I am not opposed to talking to a priest now…I’ve paid for therapists and counselors already.  What’s the harm in religious counseling right?  I think, once upon a time…I was a member of this church before. Maybe?  I cannot sleep! Lilly misses the doggy today…but not daddy. Haha.  She dreamt of alligators…I wonder what goes on in that mind of hers and how she sees me.  I’m less explosive now since the decision on the divorce.  I think I’m finally happy.  Though everything surrounding it is still fairly difficult.  I feel much more capable of being a single momma now…especially spending the night away from everyone.  I like where I’m at and the company I have.  I hope that this will turn into something. Hmm…sleep needs to catch me!

Spring Break 2016

I’ve been counting down to this special week…not exactly sure what it will hold.   I can’t wait to see.  So much has happened in the past week or so.  Taking to lawyers, family members, decisions upon decisions… And tonight, another time that I’ve told D that there is no hope and he needs to stop saying he wishes for us to fix things and work it out.  I tried last year.  It didn’t work.  I don’t want to try again.  I told him he will forever be Lilly’s dad and will continue to see her with the standard visitation rights that he will have…and if  we have this amicable divorce that the lawyer talks about, I can give him extra days with our verbal agreements.  It seems so simple.  But yea, sure emotions will make it a bit more complicated.

Lilly asked me if daddy will come back to grandma’s when we stay here.  I guess it’s different than when we stay at Memorial…where I tend to sleep in her bed even way before starting the divorce.  Ever since we got a Queen sized bed in her room, I tend to fall asleep with her in her room…I think it started for over a year now? And slowly I started to sleep in her room more often.

wishy washy support from the grandmas annoy me!  They’re so supportive one day, and the next they seem different.  I told my mom that if she cannot limit herself from calling D over to the house or telling him where we are then I may just stay somewhere else.  It annoys me a bit to be under the same roof sometimes going through this waiting period.  I understand though that it’s better for Lilly to continue seeing her dad. And on days that she has school…I don’t mind sleeping in the baby room and locking the doors…since I cannot bring her to school on those days ( her class and my work starts at exactly the same Time…and I cannot be in  2 places…

Ahhh mosquito!!! Keeps biting my face!   Saw it earlier but couldn’t kill it:( now it’s so fast I don’t even see it! Very irritating bug!

An interesting day.

Sat morning started out almost as usual…the old family day. But, that was only for a tiny fraction of today.  Maybe 60 mins: the process of feeding, dressing and getting Lilly out the door to her swim class so I could check her in an pretty much jet to do my thing.  Dad as usual is the one that’s in the pool with her.  Unlike other Saturdays where I wait for them at my home gym…I had to go to a different gym location.

I didn’t know this last month when I signed up for the Academy… I thought they were everywhere and at all locations.  I really didn’t mind the drive and time to myself to finish up some of the things…oh LOTs of assignments that were due today.  I finally finished before the night was over.

My new classmates are an interesting group of girls.  As I handed them my card, I told them the reason why I scratched out the last name on the card and hand wrote in my maiden name is because a divorce is pending. They laughed.  Half the group is either in the same process or has been through a divorce! Crazy…what interesting gals at the perfect time to meet.  It’s like a coincidental 12 step group…not to mention the instructor has been sober in her addiction for 72 days.  So far, I like the dynamics of this small group.  Hopefully we all will grow in all the ways we need and get where we want to be.

So…I actually like having a reason be far away (even if it’s just every Sat or so for the next 3-4 months…I didn’t know how long this thing was exactly when I signed up. Oh well.) I didn’t expect the amount of homework that we would have to do!  It is a bit more than I anticipated…but I guess that’s a good thing. Maybe I’ll learn something then.  We are “required/ highly suggested” to go to at least one class format a week…I guess maybe this will force my butt to go to the gym for a workout vs. just grabbing food/smoothies…or going to their amazing massage therapist and such.  I think I could just spend a day in their spa and not even work out…need to make being healthier a habit…it is too hard sometimes though!

I am hoping to start on next week’s HW soon so I can make some time for something if I need to…Spring Break! Hmm Houstonian w Y or all of us going to Ms house again to watch some boring movie that she picks. Eh…I guess there will be funny parts in the movie we could relate to…the joy of having gfs going through recovery…where we all bring our weirdness.  But, we all care for each other…so that makes us friends.  Guy friends are so easy to come by, but girl friends are much more difficult ti find and keep.  I wonder how my new acquaintances will end up. Maybe I’ll find a new work out buddy, since mine is now in some small town with only 2 restaurants! I almost forgot about her. Need to tell her the news and things that are changing in my life.  Oh…her second baby is on the way. No need to bother…hmm…let’s get back to reading this book I’m soo behind on. I don’t even know if I like the book. IMG_20160313_000243

Frustrations and such.

This is pretty on the spot.  (Good reading for new/future relationships also….to know what to avoid.  We girls are emotional and we just cannot help it most of the time)

Taken from:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

What are women looking for in men? They want a soul mate, someone they trust who is there for them when they have a problem, who takes their feelings into account when decisions are being made. Someone to whom they feel emotionally connected.

Today… I did lots of things. Mostly talking and expressing myself to people who did not exactly see from my perspective and where I was going.  I mean where I AM going.  It seems like only my dad is fully supportive of my decision and everyone else just wants to meet me, talk and try to change my mind.  I guess I was easily swayed before on such decisions…and that’s why I never took the initiative of making what I want happen…until recently.  It’s always easier for people to just stay in a habit…be it an addiction/laziness/ just the same old thing that maybe they even hate.  Change is hard sometimes.  It really helps to have more than just one motivation to do things.  Motivation can come in all forms.  I told Y today after I had lunch with myself ( I was planning to have a day to reflect on things and just be by myself today…but so many people bugged me and wanted to meet and talk. A bit annoying…) that I see this light at the end of the dark tunnel that I was in…and things are lightening up.  I felt like Sunday night staying at my mom’s a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  I felt such great family support for my decision then.  The next day though it all changed.  My mom is I guess a bit wishy washy and have done some things that have annoyed me.  I don’t really want to talk to her.  I thought that she understood me and is 100% supportive, but I guess not.  Maybe it’s because D has been visiting her a couple of mornings and talking to her…I don’t like it.  I don’t like her messages to me trying to make me “reconsider”.  Well, I ignore her for the most part and have not been wanting to communicate and fight with her. Tues, Weds, Thurs…it’s a whirlwind of ups and downs and emotions.  Even though I am excited about getting my life back and filing for divorce, it ain’t an easy thing…since it involves so many people.  You would thing it’s just D and I, but all the grandmas…really just my mom and step mother has been so distraught about it and I guess since they’re females they get all emotional and weird too.  I would have thought it’d be me that would sound like that…but I’m the one telling them this is the best decision, the one I feel really good about and it is what I truly what.  It pisses me off that they keep giving their unwanted input.  My mom said that once a mom, you need to sacrifice your happiness for your child. This is bull! She was not happy with my father or my current step day.  Was I happy? No.  I didn’t like all the bitching and calling me names when I was younger.  She was kind of all over the place with her emotions…it’s understandable now that I can see where she was coming from, but I had a fairly screwed up childhood that probably stemmed from her unhappiness.  Completely different from my mom, Pauline, a single mother who one-handedly raised up a son and a daughter with not a help from a man…I admire her and will seek to do the same.  She can be happy even if alone.  Do I want to be alone? No. Not really.  Having company is wonderful.  I’d like someone whom I can love whole heartedly and trust almost completely…and someone who would feel the same about me and treat me well.  And hopefully won’t be mean to me, neglect me, or abuse me in any way (mentally or physically).  But,  if this person never comes around…hopefully I can be satisfied being single and not just get into relationships just to be in one.  Is it just me or do people find an “interest” and fall head over heels sorta for them for a second…and can easily fall out too?  I think that was what happened with D.  Maybe you can only endure hurt/pain/neglect for a certain time.. And then you’re just done.  I hope that if I do ever find another person it’ll last forever.  Or just know better than to get into something that won’t last.  What if you really like the person though?  That will make it much harder to decided.  Would you have to compromise your principles? Does that person even really like you? How do you know if it’s even a match?  I once thought D was my match…and look where that brought me? Oh well…at least I won’t be wasting my 30s and whatever happens will be only me I’ve got to blame.  No longer intimate with the future ex husband and just waiting for Mrs. N to give me the darn forms to give him. It’s been more than 24 hours! I’m an impatient person…she needs to hurry up.

 

Oh yea, meeting Y at her house was pretty interesting.  We chatted as I imputed my grades online.  A bit depressing with so many bad grades for this test, but it’s their fault for being late to class and not getting to practice and head pertinent infos.  Y at first was questioning me like all these other females…but I guess she did head me out and validated that I was on the right track.  Not that I need validation and approval from people, but it sure does make me feel a bit better.  I’m a Feeler.  I do things from gut instincts.  I really should try to use my head and logically analyze what the heck I am doing and getting myself into…but I don’t really want to (if I do that, I probably would do what I’m doing).  Why am I doing what I’m doing? Cuz I don’t like how I feel being married and I like this other feeling a lot more.  I want to be single.  I want to make decisions without having to consult D.  And, if I want to go teach somewhere over seas (when I first get my lazy butt up and search for jobs I want and apply) then I can go.  There’s lots of opportunities for a teacher to go abroad.  Pay will definitely suck and might not be too great, but I don’t care.  It’ll be a good experience and I’m all for that.  Lilly I think will also have a great experience with mommy and be able to learn new languages.  So…if I need a breaK from everything…that will be a plan for the year or so to come.  Lawyer lady said I’ll have to get legal paperwork stuff revised for all the visitation/custody time. Eh, once that comes, I’ll get her to help again.  She’s a cool little lady.

So…after tutoring my favorite 7th grader, both Mom and M wanted to meet and talk.  I told my mom I’d see her tomorrow (Friday)….I really don’t want to talk to her.  Was reluctant to meet both of them up today…but M kept bugging me that she needed to talk to me!  Uhg.  Well, the “talk” went well. She told me that her husband has such bigger issues and she’s been through so much worse than what I had and I should stay with D and try to work it out.  I said No. That I don’t want to.  I don’t want to work on the marriage no more. It’s been like that since the holidays last year.  I don’t see the point any more.  Maybe I shouldn’t have blurted out that I wouldn’t ever be put in a position to married to someone like her husband…eh, I would never in a million years marry someone even vaguely close to my dad’s age…not to mention OLDER than my father. Hmm maybe I do need to filter what I say and save myself a bit of trouble with certain people that can’t handle me that way.  Well, M did just fine.  I think she knew I didn’t mean anything rude towards her and it’s just my opinion and preference.  Age shouldn’t matter if everything else is perfect.  I wouldn’t mind later on dating a younger person. Hey, positive side is…I would not be neglected the same way an older person did me! I want someone whom to share everything with and that we could just love each other beyond our wildest dreams.  Sweetly of course 🙂 I’m not crazy.  I just sometimes have vivid imaginations…ain’t that just my artistic/creative nature? Hmmm…maybe I’ll apply for the elementary school art teacher position again.  It’d be fun. And a more stable income. Too many options!  I want to do everything and be everywhere…I am scatter brained sometimes.  Everyone is weird in their own little way. What’s your weirdness? I’d like to know:)

Yummy balls.

This is that thing that my parents use to get for me when we visited Cali during my elementary school years.

I would love to learn to have someone show me how to make these:

http://www.hungryhuy.com/banh-cam-banh-ran-recipe-vietnamese-fried-sesame-balls/

I  tend to have problems following directions and don’t like to measure…I guesstimate when I cook.  I hear baking and dessert making requires exact amount of specific ingredients…maybe that’s  why I can never get desserts done right.

Help? This would be fun to make:) I need a chef to teach me.  I won’t mind being the sous chef and assisting.

A new and interesting challenge

I use to like to cook…but never did I attempt Vietnamese. Why? My aunts and uncles all make it and there’s so many restaurants to pick from that’s good and cheap. Why would I want to make food with stinky (but if course yummy) fish sauce? I miss my lil cousin Huy who went missing…he just disappeared. We are in the process of setting up a PI to look for him. His parents want to look and will need D and I to help with it since the asked us to. Hmm…what would make a person run away at age 27? Kind of crazy…but sometimes I feel like he’s done the best thing for himself maybe? That he’s looking after his own interest? Dunno. We can make all types of assumptions, but no one knows. Just hope that he’s ok an safe. Sad that he had to come to that resort to just leave and lie…but I guess the thought of picking up and running away did cross my mind quite a few times.  Now, I think I have a much better solution.  Much better way out.

I like crepes…I love to eat.  Somehow though this past year or two I had no inclination to really cook anything though.  I prefer to eat out.  I had simple Chipotle today.  It felt pretty healthy since I got a salad bowl with barbacoa.  Also had yummy Xoi Ga Roti at Mai’s restaurant with my dad.  Love spending daddy daughter time when I get the time with my dad.  It felt like old times.  Food want as good as the Xoi Ga Xoi Mo at Kim Son that I like more…but good company with daddy counts a lot.  I think I hung out with my dad at the law firm for quite a while today.  I actually had a pretty decent time…considering all the bad memories I had of the place.  Being bitched out about a year or so there by someone…oh well…I guess she has major mood swings and may be on menopause.  Shouldn’t be an excuse, but I guess right now, at the moment, we are on pretty nice terms. Hmm…I wonder how long peace will last till the next explosion.

Oh back to crepes…I was semi craving Sweet Paris today but my friend wanted Chipotle saying it was more budget friendly for both our pockets…with the rain and parking meters I think crepes would have been the same.  Not as healthy maybe, but tastier.   Uhhhhg I am nervous…Vietnamese crepes/ pizza….how the heck do you make it.   It looks like lots of steps! If I make it, it won’t be a traditional one. It’ll be a fusion.  I don’t like bean sprouts…and I like a random assortment of things. Hope it’ll be edible.

i don’t remember the last thing I cooked.  It’s been years since real cooking…unless you count the oatmeal a I heat on stove top last night.

 

This will be an adventure:) I can’t wait to maybe start cooking more.  I did use to like it. It was a stress reliever back then.  I guess that was pre-baby. Now time for anything is limited.  I like where things are going though….I hope that my mom won’t be too pushy in whatever way she’s feeling. I can’t stand her pushiness on  religion…it’s all the same darn God to me…but, of course if my mom is happy it makes me a bit less headachy.  Or I just move and run away haha.

Love.

Love?  What is it?  Sometimes I’m not exactly sure what it is or what it really means.  Sometimes I can use it really loosely and tell everyone that I love them…and I really do mean it because I am by nature a caring person and do care for most people.  The only person I would not and cannot say this to is Christine (an ex of my father’s).  She’s just an extremely weird woman who I didn’t care for much.  I was forced to hold her bags when she shopped, walk with her to the bathroom, etc… I did not like her.  I didn’t like that when it was MY TIME with my father, he dragged me along to hang with her…and she told me to do this/that all the time and treated me really badly (when my dad was not watching).  When my dad was present, she would have on a fake smile and pretended to be sweet to me.  She was one of those reasons that I decided in middle school to not see my dad on the weekends any more when he had custody of me.  I love my dad and loved seeing him…even when he made me wait outside for two hours in the church parking lot and was late to pick me up (probably because his time with some girlfriend went overtime).  He always had a “rubber-band” watch…or whatever it was that my older cousins told me…never on time.  Maybe that’s why I developed the habit of being fashionably late to most events…the only thing I am usually EARLY or on time for is work.

Love…other times I just want to save this word for the right moment…or the right person.  I think there is that person out there that is my perfect match.  Match, how? I have no idea.  Maybe, the person would be so similar to me in a way that drives me nuts…or my polar opposite and would complement me perfectly.  Who knows…maybe one day I’ll bump into this person.  If not, I think I’ll choose to live independently and make my own decisions: bad or good ones…I don’t really care.  At least they’ll be my decisions and I won’t be blaming someone like an ex husband for taking away my 20s…my first honeymoon…my dreams, goals, and desires.

Today was an interesting day.  Damn, I might have lost a good student…another Wednesday student who only wants to go to D’s house for tutoring and won’t go to my other 2 or even 3 locations I suggested.  Not sure what the big deal is…just drive to the new location!  I am broke and probably more broke now…but guess what?  I don’t think it could be bad forever right?  I have hope.  I’ll try to recruit and hopefully have my dad market for me too.  Well, having a student skip on the session gave me time to meet with my father and the lawyer.  She’s an awesomely nice lawyer.  I really liked her.  She has her own little law firm of some sort, but is mostly mobile and bounces around town.  Pretty cool little woman.  I was comfortable enough to tell her the details of why I want out of this relationship and to find myself also.  She was pretty shocked of what I had to go through and how I put up with all the crap.  I guess, from the outside looking in, things look pretty decent…but if you go deep into my mind…you find a lot of stuff.  I don’t think many people would have been here as long as I had with him.  He’s a good guy I guess in a sense.  We are all good people in a sense…but all have issues.  We are all damaged goods…but people can heal and make a better life for them.  I am slowly finding my happiness and my sense of strength in this.  I need to not have my mom sway me and affect me too much.  She’s a big bowl of unstable emotions.  Maybe that’s where I got it from.  Probably.  That’s why she chooses to stay in bad relationships.  Well, I am not my mother and can learn to live life the way it is supposed to be: the way I want it.  I just need to hold on…even if my motivation for it is long gone.  I am still very thankful for everything.

So…everything is filed…and we are waiting for the court number or whatever that is called.  Then, Mrs. N will email me the stuff that I need to hand to D…she says to let him have about 15 days then…if he doesn’t respond or give me his signature, then we proceed to have him “served” and another 20 days for him to respond…if he doesn’t…there’s something else…eh, I forgot.  She’s cool and is actually cheaper than the cheap guy lawyer that my student gave me the reference for.  My dad didn’t pay her yet like he was telling me.  I guess he was busy.  So, I paid half up front to make sure she gets her check to get her work started.  yay!  All can be done for a mere grand.  250 cheaper than the other guy I was gonna go with and she’s not as fobby…I understand her and I love the way she walked me through all the details and explained.  Guess why she is so awesome?  She used to be an elementary school teacher before she decided to go to law school!  I love teachers! Well…at least most teachers. Some are gross! haha.  Maybe, I’ll have a spark to maybe…go to law school? uh….I tried once…not that great a score on the LSAT…and I even took a prep course that I slept through…I hate standardized tests!  The games section was kinda cool and fun though.  Though it was pretty difficult.  Hmm…I never really thought I’d like lawyers…but my best friend went to law school, and someone else maybe? Maybe I should go too…one day.  I wanna do something different every day I think!  I wish I could be everywhere and split myself between different continents.  Impossible.  Or I could chase after that dream of moving places every 2-3 years.  I’ll have to get a different court order for that according to Mrs. N…when I do end up applying for oversea jobs and leaving. Uhg.  Baby.  I love you.

Another day, another chance

So…the past few days…has been hard and emotional for me.  I stayed in basically 3 places every night. Got yelled at by mom over lots of random stuff.  Dad has been extremely positive and logical though.  We met up at the townhouse.  He fixed the toilet upstairs and of course brought some paperwork for me. Yay! It’s a bit sad but with a positive air to it…I can’t wait till this darn process is over.

Having a kid with a person makes it so much more difficult to have a clean cut out…but I guess it is doable and you can be gentle in the process to not site up too much animosity.  My parents were able to achieve friendship after the divorce for my sake.  And I think I turned up ok.  I’m not as damaged as other products of divorce that I’ve seen.   Never used any type of drugs unless medically needed: like Theraflu haha when I’m too sick to do anything…didn’t even use an epidural during pregnancy.  Never smoked or did anything wildly crazy.  The craziest is probably wanting this divorce and good on my study abroad to China in 08 without my parents’ knowledge till 2 days before I take off. Yes, it’s a planned impulsiveness. I even got a small scholarship to pay a portion of my Chinese classes there.  It was the best decision ever…but not the easiest.  I think this divorce will be the same.

My parents never thought I’d have the guts or ability to leave for almost a month and a half to a foreign country…same with D here I guess.  He still thinks it’s hopeful in a sense. We could be friends I tell him, but not married. I don’t want to be his wife anymore. I want to be free and do what I choose.  Oh well, maybe he will get it when the papers get delivered to him.  Hopefully he won’t be too angry.  My dad said to at least ask for a small child support.  I guess my dad did also help my mom with it before too and he was barely working and in school.  So, on the paperwork we wrote in $500/mo in child support.  That’ll basically cover Lilly’s months tuition for now.  I’ll cover all other expenses with my parents’ help.  It’s a bit annoying to be in my 30’s and still a daddy’s girl…but I guess it’s because parents will always love you unconditionally…even if you argue, get mad, and talk back to them.

I think I’m making the right decision finally.  Regardless of whatever else is going on.  I really appreciate the push that I had for this and wonder where this will take me.  Maybe I’ll follow my cuz Andy when he and his wife gets to Phoenix?  I have free room and board there with them:) I’ll just have to make enough to pay for my crap and Lilly’s.  Or…maybe I’ll run off overseas to teach and find a foreign nanny that I could barter babysitting expenses for ESL lessons with.  Who knows… But oh boy my parents would be so upset if I take either of those options :/ they just want me here in Houston so they could see Lilly I think. Maybe they can get off their butts and visit…hmm…I’m thinking of what’s on the other end.  I do miss you.   I want to be there and want to be somewhere else.