The first few pages of my new journey

I am so glad to have been met with this motivation to put into action what has been on my mind for far too long. If nothing more comes from this, at least I would have this little push.  It’s a good jump start on what is to be for me…to get out of this limbo that I discussed with a friend the other day. Limbo is the worst feeling of all…it makes you feel like you don’t have a home…even though I have 4 places I could go to…I get confused.

IMG_20160304_004944

 

A new year…goals will give me direction so that I am not aimless like a log in the ocean…what blocks or character defect would I like to have removed? Where would I like to go? (Almost anywhere but here…?) What would I like to happen in friendship and love? (I’m not sure…but it has to be something that will not make me constantly cry inside).  I do need more direction in my life and maybe setting up little goals is a good start to give direction.  What would I like to happen to my career?(turning my tutoring thing to a more successful business would be nice… Or just pick up and be able to leave to teach over seas…and bring my daughter with me to experience the world in whatever form it takes…)

Certainly, things happen that are out of our control. Sometimes, these events are PLEASANT SURPRISES…but they’ll all be part of the chapter that wiklbbe this year in my life. And life will lead me forward in the story. (Hey…this is 8 years later almost…from my favorite time in my life… another life changing decision. I love this book

Today, I’ll remember that there’s a powerful force motivated my writing down goals.  I will do that now, for the year to come, and regularly as needed.  I will do it not to control but to do my part in living my life.

 

IMG_20160304_010727

 

The nurturing self care.  I will start to listen to and not ignore the voice inside. What doesn’t feel right? What makes me angry? What is it that I’ve had enough of? What do I want? Need? What makes me feel good?  I know the answers to these and will let it guide me.  It is a Nice validation that self-care will lead us on the path to God’s will and plan for our lives…I always thought that was being selfish if I followed through…But nurturing self care is a gift…nice!  I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called family…I have my own issues and growth and I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues and am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.

 

IMG_20160304_012445

Freedom starts here.

Unproductive fears

I fear that what tends to happen in relationship jumping is you tend to find a person with similar characteristics and get into it with them.  My mom’s first husband was not faithful, my dad/ her second also cheated and my step father…if given the right circumstance would not think twice.  Just no one wants him.  So…to get out of this pattern and learn to adjust our choices since it is OUR Issues and Problems that causes us to be attracted to people we shouldn’t be with my 2 girl friends are going to tier individual meetings…I have been very lazy and have not made an attempt to start my 2016 New Years resolution yet…and I am scared that I would be interested in a similar type person who will end up being a secretive and higher functioning sex addict also. That would crush my world again…I’m kind of sad because of the circumstances and definitely worried…I’m a visual person and highly tactile and tend to make decisions on how I feel without putting too much logic into it.  I scare myself because of who I am sometimes…Cannot fall…I need to have a whole 8 months of being single…and not rush into things…hmm or at least 8 weeks? 8 days? Uhg. I cannot sleep. I wish there’s something I could do to fall asleep easier…I’ll go and dream of a far away land with lanterns…a place I really wanted to visit and should have just stayed longer…maybe one day I’ll get to visit that place with a special person.  Hopefully we would like each other and turn out to not irritate, frustrate and make each other sad…oh well, life will go on even if…and I’ll be free of relationships then.  I’ll just go and paint all I want and dance all I want with out a care I the world…wishful thinking? Or is it possible?  I’d like to one day join some kind of dance competition.  Care to be my partner anyone? 😉 I’ll RUN to you.

Overwhelming…

Doing my research…it seems kinda complicated. I hate filling out forms and stuff and it looks like I’ll have to fill out confusing forms…hmm not sure where to start at all or what kind of timeline i be looking at for all this to happen. I wish it could be an overnight thing! And get it over and done with. I have closets to move out I guess I’ll start moving some of my stuff out tomorrow…it’ll def make this place look neater.  I need a hand with moving the crib I got for Lilly too…if I leave I’m not leaving that! It seems like I’m the one that planned/ semi-planned with an awesome person I hired for the wedding, I’m the one who semi-planned for the baby myself also…and I’ll be the sole one planning for this out. I guess it could all happen even if I half-ass this thing like I’ve done with the others…since husband didn’t want to pitch in or help much and procrastinated for all of the important life events…it still happened with my 3/4- planning…I’m not perfect, but I could shoot for some kind of near-perfection…or I just need to hire someone to do all this work for me and fill out the darn forms. Why ain’t my people responding??? They think I will sleep this over and talk to him and sweep it under the rug I think…I guess we haven’t talked in. While. Or are they sleeping?  I’m a bit impatient at times and I kinda want out now!!! Should I move out tonight? That’s a little rash I think….need to plan…but I hate planning…should I move in with my mom or stay at the townhouse? Need to get his set I gave him back…uhg that place is too messy and is now just serving mostly as our storage for all our junk.  I don’t know why my dad doesn’t want to rent one of the rooms out there and have kicked 2 of the people I’ve rented to from there somehow.  He really cause a wrinkle in his relationship with those two and I feel bad.  So much to think about…but I guess it’s all for the greater good and my freedom that I have been wanting for what seems forever.  I guess the first thing I could do is clear out my clothes and stuff I would miss if I leave behind.  I need to organize and get rid of crap at the townhouse to make room for my stuff. Uhg…when is a good time to tell my parents? I guess I’ll pull another Beijing on them and tell them the day or two before I really leave.  I do not like conflicts, questions, or people changing my mind…with the exception of when it’s very necessary… There will always be an exception I guess…I hate it. I wish things were more black and white, but nothing ever truly is. There’s always multiple point of views, ideas/perspectives.  I wonder how Lilly will see this once she grows up and look at mommy’s decision. I love you Lilly, but don’t think that I should stay with daddy just for you. Maybe mommy is selfish too and wants a bit of happiness and not having to worry/ care about stupid past events.  You would rather mommy be happy right?  You don’t look like you like it when mommy is sad…and I don’t want to have to pretend to you…then have you turn 21 and THIS comes up again…I think your world would be turned upside down more so then as compared to now.

Mommy was able to adapt to grandma and grandpa splitting up…I guess the similarities between mom and dad and grandparents are we don’t exactly fight either.  Grandpa had lots of real life girlfriends and made grandma really sad…she stayed with him for as long as she could, until it was the wrong person that he messed with.  It wasn’t just only about her any more…and she had to make a decision.  I guess I thought daddy was not very had since his thing was not with exactly “real” people that mommy know and socialize with and he is very smart of hiding his trails… But in the end accidents still happen and he slipped up.  Mommy knew there was always something weirdly wrong with the relationship but he would never admit it and dismissed mommy’s concern as if I was crazy and making stuff up.  It made me question myself…I hope I never put myself in a situation with a person like this ever again! And hope that no girls, especially you Baby Lilly will ever have to meet a person like this.  I always knew that relationships are not perfect, but chose to believe in perfection and thought that daddy could never hurt me that way.  I loved him for who he was:  simple, poor guy who was a nice son/mama boy, looks like a good Christian (reads the bible, knows it in and out, leads in prayers ,etc…). Boy was I wrong. I’m not saying he’s a horrible person…but just not one who I guess is perfect for me. Maybe mommy is destined to be single? I do admire single mothers…

Lilly, once you grow up, know what you want in a relationship.  Know what you want in a husband. And make sure you don’t completely trust them, because they could lie.  They could expect you to be in a committed relationship while they end up looking for “extras” outside of the relationship and starve you sexually.  They’ll waste their time and energy elsewhere.  Be it the relationship destroyer (porn) –I really don’t have a big prob with this until I found out it IS the common thing that most sex addicts began with and escalated from there–or finding spas that’ll do the extras.  To be the girl in this type of relationship is a horrible experience. Especially when you’re young and have lost so much wasted time on an undeserving person.  Take care of yourself and your needs and be with someone that wants you…I hope mommy can take her own advice and not meet and fall for someone that doesn’t really want her and strings her along after daddy. It’s a painful feeling and I really don’t want to be in that situation again.   If there is ever a  second honeymoon…I’d want it to be just the 2 of us and not a single other soul. I don’t really care where ( well, maybe a little bit)…but with the right person, everything should be perfect if we both want each other…don’t settle for less Lilly than true love.  If that’s not the case, be single and be free.  Do what you want, go where you want and move every 3 years.  I wanted you Lilly…mommy has always wanted babies somehow. Isn’t that weird?  I guess being an only child you get lonely. Step siblings are lovely but not the same. Mommy has never met my half sister that I supposedly have…maybe one day you’ll have some half-siblings…would you be opposed to that? Or maybe not, cause kids and relationships could tie you down more…and compromises will need to be made…or else it’ll upset the balance of the relationship. No relationship should be under a kingship / queenship…that would be unfair to the other person!  I don’t like the authority my step mom commands over my father or what I’ve seen in so many girls reigning their guys/ guys dominating over their girls. My ideal relationship is one where both partners are equal, have open communication, and can be honest and respectful of each other.  Love definitely has got to be there too…but that take a bit of time to develop. Lust can be an instantaneous thing…it’d be great if it could last,  but that fizzled with me and daddy in just a few months…and he ended up substituting the addiction with other activities.  Not a cool thing! But a good learning experience for mommy.

Never had I imagined to live life the way I saw in movies…group therapy…counseling….crying so much in 2015 and not sleeping every day.  For 6 months last year, I slept every other day and woke up crying…I am past that now and much stronger…we all have a spectrum on where we are at with our “habits” or maybe even addiction of some sort.  Can you identify what it is that you go to in times of stress to find a “soothing” feeling?  I have always been against drugs and the nasty stuff.  Never smoked in my life and never did any drugs…I don’t usually drink, but on rare occasions I’ll have something light and fruity with people I trust.  I’ve never been drunk or wasted ever in my life and never intend to be. My favorite bev is water. Ozark, Voss, Evian…or maybe if I want sugar Vitamin Water xxx…alcohol makes me sleepy and that’s no fun.  I’d rather be awake and dance:) oh how I miss Salsa…once upon a time, I had a salsa buddy haha. He was way too young for me (4 years younger, but looked real young).  This was one of our “breaks” that D and I had.  It was fun. We danced.  Listened and counted beats together since I am not musically talented at all…so I was taught to count the beats.  It was a sweet moment.  Daddy literally chased mommy down the road since mommy was driving the guy…oh boy it was weird. This is one of the reminders that the darn cartoon you were watching earlier triggered.  Why must he spoil my happy times and wiggle his way back into my life?! Makes me mad.  Rewind even further to another “break” that we had…oh language learning is fun! Especially outside the country!  Mommy’s first step outside the US and mommy loves it in Asia…if you are with the right crowd/ individual….anything could be beautiful…even the smoggiest, most polluted day in Beijing…when you blow your nose and your snot is black…but the air seems so clean.  Is it just that I have such an emotional connection to the place and people I’ve shared it with?  Those are good memories that I wish could last forever…though they have dimmed…sometimes even forgotten, but they are the sweetest of memories.  We never told each other we loved each other, but I will always wish this person happiness and the best for them.  It was the most painful thing to do when leaving the airport and setting foot back to Houston ground to face the trouble and issues that awaited then.  If only I made the decision then that I am figuring out now…I don’t know why I waited so long!!! Why??? There was no baby then, not even married…did I feel more stuck then to D because of the then 2 years that we’ve had vs…the 3 weeks of uncertain happiness?  I mistakenly chose the older person because I thought that he knew what he wanted more than the 22 year old…I was 24 then and oh so young with my first teaching assignment.  It was one heck of a year on all fronts of my life.  I do still regret my decision then of letting an unknown ending pass me by and clinging on to a problem that really ain’t gonna change.  I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe this “talking” is what I need to stand my ground and not waver.  This is long. I’ll end here. Goodnight diary.

 

I cartoon made me cry

It’s not a bad thing that I’m learning to think about and analyze this situation a bit more.

Damn kids cartoon depicting such real life situation…foreshadowing many girl’s trouble that could happen in their future.

Bobby holding up “No Girls Allowed” sign…while Jacky follows him around and gets denied multiple times…then when another comes around and swoops Jacky off her feet and makes her happy, Bobby wants her back. What the heck is so screwed up with guys? Treats their girl horrible…and then try to win them back? Once back, the same old issues eventually creep up again…I am glad I am now really thinking bout this again. Once out, I’ll be out forever.  I won’t be swooped back ever again to this person.

I don’t think I’ve been single for very long ever…if I’m not in some crazy long term relationship with the best friend, I was “talking” to someone exclusively (at least on my side, not sure bout the other end)…then the darn future-ex-husband wasters too many years of my youth…need to get time back, while I still feel young!

This darn cartoon is horrible!!! And it’s getting worse…I think I will leave this dining table now and go brush my teeth.  Baby can learn from this cartoon.

The Catalyst

So, sometimes in life I guess an idea, a thought/desire can sit there and brew for a thousand years…and just require the perfect type of motivation or a catalyst of some sort. I think I kind of found it.  The uncertainty of an unknown future is no longer scary but very appealing with a freedom I could have. If only…I get off of my butt and do something about it. I hate running…but I WILL RUN like my life depends on it.  It kind of really does…I don’t want to have to sit and brood and regret how my twenties have passed me by with such unhappiness…I just have to learn from the mistake and not let the same happen to my thirties! One baby step at a time…I don’t want my baby to grow up and see mommy cry due to past unhappiness that she just can’t get rid of. I should get rid of it now and take control of my life…instead of just drifting where the waves take me….so my first tiny step has been made:  2 group messages.  One to a student and co-worker that had shared their relationship probs with me and they have overcame their battles and are in a much better situation. I am so proud of these girls!  The other message was to my best guy friend/ high school sweetheart/my savior of a sort and a newly made friend from CIR. He doesn’t exactly know the details oft troubles anymore since it’s been a while that we’ve had deep conversations. But, I trust this guy with my life if I needed to. He’s always been there for me even more than this husband of mine.  I know he will have my best interest at heart and have a fairly objective view on things.  He’s married now so that makes it safer too haha since no more interest in me:). The girl: a pretty new friend that knows my relationship troubles…since we share many common denominators…and have cried with each other in the group meetings. So that is the first baby step…next step I need to take is probably to talk to my ex-auntie that is a semi-mommy to me.  She’s such a great person and have endured a loveless marriage for her kids for over 20 years with my bastard uncle…I guess It’d be good to hear her take on it.  I would not let my parents, step parents or the husband in on this until it is finalized…I think that’s probably the smartest thing to do…so that yet won’t try to away me to do otherwise like they always do.  This is what I have been wanting since the marriage…actually, even before the marriage…why the heck did I come back to the relationship after finding people on our “breaks” that I found to be so much more compatible I do not know! It will not happen again.  I missed other opportunities to do what I wanted to do and good times with potential friends because I came back to something that was just not meant to be.  I will learn not to force this relationship on myself and pretend that everything is perfect when life could be so much easier and I could be free to do and go where I’d like. A promise to myself that if hope to keep: 8 month grace period…of no relationship jumping/ rebound with ANYONE until I figure out myself and understand myself.  I think I’d rather be single forever than married and unhappy. Now, I’ll wait for my student to give me her lawyer’s name.  I think this is the move I should have made myself instead of just talking about it back then…but it’s never too late.  I’m not too old…and maybe teaching abroad could still happen:) I feel like life may be rosy again. Ain’t that weird? Dream of a divorce? I guess it runs in the family…let’s hope it’s not a cycle of finding bad guys…stay single!

Instability…

I’m a bit worried about what is going on.  Can 2 people be so alike?  There are some things that tells me to be careful and that this may be the same old thing: warning signs…but my heart is choosing to ignore my head somehow.  Am I again too trusting and will get hurt?  Maybe I really need to analyze myself, my feelings, and why the heck I do what I do…too bad I work Thursdays and cannot make it to the meetings that my gals go to.  They’ve learned so much about themselves (I guess they are my seniors, being in their late 30s)…I guess time will get me there if I don’t want to rush myself too much. Hopefully things will happen the way it should.  I’m always a believer in whatever happens, happens for the best…I guess It brings me a sense of comfort…though the place I’d like to be is in a lover’s arm.  Fresh, new, and hopefully unspoiled…like my dreams of once upon a time.  I know perfection is not real and hopefully I don’t blindly chase something that will just be another big dead end.

Sometimes, memories of a good moment are the best place one could go back to:  the small shack where the morning light was shining through at near 5am and telling me that the month long dream has come to an end and we both have to leave that fascinating foreign place…we savored each passing minute next to each other on our journey back to reality.  Half way across the world, and it seemed instantaneous.  Why must good times fly by so quickly and our displeasure seems a lifetime? At this moment, I feel like I want out…but I’m so tired and exhausted, I will just lay down to sleep.  Goodnight moon…

Another one of those days…

Sometimes depression or something just hits without any warning. Maybe it’s not so much depression but just dissatisfaction with the situation that I feel stuck in.  I think from an onlooker’s point of view, it looks so easy to just pick up and leave and find my own sense of happiness.  It’s not like I have 2 or 3 kids…I only have one. I don’t know why people stay in situations they don’t find that they like…it must be a learned thing from my mom that she passed down.  I hate seeing her cry when I was growing up and the fights.  Mine is different.  We don’t fight.  We just silently ignore each other or pretend there is no problem, even if there is an elephant in the room like in the term our therapist uses.  I guess this elephant, or this big black ball of what I’ve felt each time something was wrong with a relationship was something that I really should have seen as a warning sign…why did I let so many years pass me by?  Why do I still think sometimes it is salvageable?  When can I just say it is enough and walk out?  I don’t like coming home…I don’t exactly feel like this place of his is my home still…it is a little more so than when I first moved it, but still…I don’t exactly like being here.  There are multiple places I could be at, yet I am here tonight, and almost every night…sleeping in my far end of the bed and with a big pillow demarcating our individual spaces.  I am there and he is there, but is this always the case with married couples who either just don’t have any passion or married for the wrong reason? They have separation of kinds?  This is so not the marriage I envisioned.

He’s a nice guy and I’m a nice girl too…just maybe not with each other? We have been stale since 2006 or 2007 and have pushed the relationship way past it’s expiration date of some sort.

Lunch with my girlfriend reminded me of a bit of work that I have not exactly done on myself.  She has been working on herself and has probably grown more in her journey of recovery from her partner’s issues than I.  I have no time either! She has older kids who can take care of themselves in a sense and she happens to be a housewife at the moment…so plenty of time for her I guess.  I feel like I am either working, or planning for work, or commuting to all the different places I tutor. It is draining! There’s one place I feel the quiet peacefulness of just the world being still…and I just want to stay there and be there and paint or dance.  I still have not done that and keep forgetting to bring my brushes!  I hope the colors don’t fade out of my mind…and I can still create something. Maybe a still life of my dancing shoes?