Doing my research…it seems kinda complicated. I hate filling out forms and stuff and it looks like I’ll have to fill out confusing forms…hmm not sure where to start at all or what kind of timeline i be looking at for all this to happen. I wish it could be an overnight thing! And get it over and done with. I have closets to move out I guess I’ll start moving some of my stuff out tomorrow…it’ll def make this place look neater. I need a hand with moving the crib I got for Lilly too…if I leave I’m not leaving that! It seems like I’m the one that planned/ semi-planned with an awesome person I hired for the wedding, I’m the one who semi-planned for the baby myself also…and I’ll be the sole one planning for this out. I guess it could all happen even if I half-ass this thing like I’ve done with the others…since husband didn’t want to pitch in or help much and procrastinated for all of the important life events…it still happened with my 3/4- planning…I’m not perfect, but I could shoot for some kind of near-perfection…or I just need to hire someone to do all this work for me and fill out the darn forms. Why ain’t my people responding??? They think I will sleep this over and talk to him and sweep it under the rug I think…I guess we haven’t talked in. While. Or are they sleeping? I’m a bit impatient at times and I kinda want out now!!! Should I move out tonight? That’s a little rash I think….need to plan…but I hate planning…should I move in with my mom or stay at the townhouse? Need to get his set I gave him back…uhg that place is too messy and is now just serving mostly as our storage for all our junk. I don’t know why my dad doesn’t want to rent one of the rooms out there and have kicked 2 of the people I’ve rented to from there somehow. He really cause a wrinkle in his relationship with those two and I feel bad. So much to think about…but I guess it’s all for the greater good and my freedom that I have been wanting for what seems forever. I guess the first thing I could do is clear out my clothes and stuff I would miss if I leave behind. I need to organize and get rid of crap at the townhouse to make room for my stuff. Uhg…when is a good time to tell my parents? I guess I’ll pull another Beijing on them and tell them the day or two before I really leave. I do not like conflicts, questions, or people changing my mind…with the exception of when it’s very necessary… There will always be an exception I guess…I hate it. I wish things were more black and white, but nothing ever truly is. There’s always multiple point of views, ideas/perspectives. I wonder how Lilly will see this once she grows up and look at mommy’s decision. I love you Lilly, but don’t think that I should stay with daddy just for you. Maybe mommy is selfish too and wants a bit of happiness and not having to worry/ care about stupid past events. You would rather mommy be happy right? You don’t look like you like it when mommy is sad…and I don’t want to have to pretend to you…then have you turn 21 and THIS comes up again…I think your world would be turned upside down more so then as compared to now.
Mommy was able to adapt to grandma and grandpa splitting up…I guess the similarities between mom and dad and grandparents are we don’t exactly fight either. Grandpa had lots of real life girlfriends and made grandma really sad…she stayed with him for as long as she could, until it was the wrong person that he messed with. It wasn’t just only about her any more…and she had to make a decision. I guess I thought daddy was not very had since his thing was not with exactly “real” people that mommy know and socialize with and he is very smart of hiding his trails… But in the end accidents still happen and he slipped up. Mommy knew there was always something weirdly wrong with the relationship but he would never admit it and dismissed mommy’s concern as if I was crazy and making stuff up. It made me question myself…I hope I never put myself in a situation with a person like this ever again! And hope that no girls, especially you Baby Lilly will ever have to meet a person like this. I always knew that relationships are not perfect, but chose to believe in perfection and thought that daddy could never hurt me that way. I loved him for who he was: simple, poor guy who was a nice son/mama boy, looks like a good Christian (reads the bible, knows it in and out, leads in prayers ,etc…). Boy was I wrong. I’m not saying he’s a horrible person…but just not one who I guess is perfect for me. Maybe mommy is destined to be single? I do admire single mothers…
Lilly, once you grow up, know what you want in a relationship. Know what you want in a husband. And make sure you don’t completely trust them, because they could lie. They could expect you to be in a committed relationship while they end up looking for “extras” outside of the relationship and starve you sexually. They’ll waste their time and energy elsewhere. Be it the relationship destroyer (porn) –I really don’t have a big prob with this until I found out it IS the common thing that most sex addicts began with and escalated from there–or finding spas that’ll do the extras. To be the girl in this type of relationship is a horrible experience. Especially when you’re young and have lost so much wasted time on an undeserving person. Take care of yourself and your needs and be with someone that wants you…I hope mommy can take her own advice and not meet and fall for someone that doesn’t really want her and strings her along after daddy. It’s a painful feeling and I really don’t want to be in that situation again. If there is ever a second honeymoon…I’d want it to be just the 2 of us and not a single other soul. I don’t really care where ( well, maybe a little bit)…but with the right person, everything should be perfect if we both want each other…don’t settle for less Lilly than true love. If that’s not the case, be single and be free. Do what you want, go where you want and move every 3 years. I wanted you Lilly…mommy has always wanted babies somehow. Isn’t that weird? I guess being an only child you get lonely. Step siblings are lovely but not the same. Mommy has never met my half sister that I supposedly have…maybe one day you’ll have some half-siblings…would you be opposed to that? Or maybe not, cause kids and relationships could tie you down more…and compromises will need to be made…or else it’ll upset the balance of the relationship. No relationship should be under a kingship / queenship…that would be unfair to the other person! I don’t like the authority my step mom commands over my father or what I’ve seen in so many girls reigning their guys/ guys dominating over their girls. My ideal relationship is one where both partners are equal, have open communication, and can be honest and respectful of each other. Love definitely has got to be there too…but that take a bit of time to develop. Lust can be an instantaneous thing…it’d be great if it could last, but that fizzled with me and daddy in just a few months…and he ended up substituting the addiction with other activities. Not a cool thing! But a good learning experience for mommy.
Never had I imagined to live life the way I saw in movies…group therapy…counseling….crying so much in 2015 and not sleeping every day. For 6 months last year, I slept every other day and woke up crying…I am past that now and much stronger…we all have a spectrum on where we are at with our “habits” or maybe even addiction of some sort. Can you identify what it is that you go to in times of stress to find a “soothing” feeling? I have always been against drugs and the nasty stuff. Never smoked in my life and never did any drugs…I don’t usually drink, but on rare occasions I’ll have something light and fruity with people I trust. I’ve never been drunk or wasted ever in my life and never intend to be. My favorite bev is water. Ozark, Voss, Evian…or maybe if I want sugar Vitamin Water xxx…alcohol makes me sleepy and that’s no fun. I’d rather be awake and dance:) oh how I miss Salsa…once upon a time, I had a salsa buddy haha. He was way too young for me (4 years younger, but looked real young). This was one of our “breaks” that D and I had. It was fun. We danced. Listened and counted beats together since I am not musically talented at all…so I was taught to count the beats. It was a sweet moment. Daddy literally chased mommy down the road since mommy was driving the guy…oh boy it was weird. This is one of the reminders that the darn cartoon you were watching earlier triggered. Why must he spoil my happy times and wiggle his way back into my life?! Makes me mad. Rewind even further to another “break” that we had…oh language learning is fun! Especially outside the country! Mommy’s first step outside the US and mommy loves it in Asia…if you are with the right crowd/ individual….anything could be beautiful…even the smoggiest, most polluted day in Beijing…when you blow your nose and your snot is black…but the air seems so clean. Is it just that I have such an emotional connection to the place and people I’ve shared it with? Those are good memories that I wish could last forever…though they have dimmed…sometimes even forgotten, but they are the sweetest of memories. We never told each other we loved each other, but I will always wish this person happiness and the best for them. It was the most painful thing to do when leaving the airport and setting foot back to Houston ground to face the trouble and issues that awaited then. If only I made the decision then that I am figuring out now…I don’t know why I waited so long!!! Why??? There was no baby then, not even married…did I feel more stuck then to D because of the then 2 years that we’ve had vs…the 3 weeks of uncertain happiness? I mistakenly chose the older person because I thought that he knew what he wanted more than the 22 year old…I was 24 then and oh so young with my first teaching assignment. It was one heck of a year on all fronts of my life. I do still regret my decision then of letting an unknown ending pass me by and clinging on to a problem that really ain’t gonna change. I guess everything happens for a reason and maybe this “talking” is what I need to stand my ground and not waver. This is long. I’ll end here. Goodnight diary.